Daydream Believer

Time to catch up on life.  I am nearing some major crossroads.  These crossroads appeared in the distance some time ago and now they’re fast approaching   I need to work out which lane I’m in, signal my intentions and go for it.  The time for dithering is over.  Now is the time decisiveness.  The time is now!

Emotionally and mentally I have made the shift on what I want my work life to look like and the need to move.  I need now to put the thoughts into actions.  These decisions will have a bearing on the family for the next few years and its up to me to make a success of it.

The fact that I have even got these thoughts clear in my mind is a major leap from this time last year.    When I reflect on last year I was just so confused.  Yet I was trying to make some important decisions and act as though nothing had happened.  What was I thinking of?  I was in no fit mental state to make any lasting decisions.  The period was still so dark and my feelings so raw.  The body and mind kind of shut down.  The grieving process naturally numbs your thoughts and your body in order to protect you from reality and yourself.  The trouble is you don’t realise that what has happened or in my case I was in denial.  Despite the massive loss in my life I still thought that I could rise above it.  Not a chance!  Today the situation is no better but the coping mechanisms are becoming a little more resilient.  Actually, this time next year I wonder if I will be thinking same as I do now.

My all demeanour and outlook feels better now. Certainly in my work life. I feel as that reaching that “flow”.  My mojo has returned.  That energy and enthusiasm to “make a difference” is back without a doubt.  Still want to take on the World. I am starting to narrow my options down as to where I want to channel that energy.  I have a good idea of the path I will be travelling down.

The next crossroad I am about to face is to sell my house and move home.  I have allowed the whole process for the past six months be in the hands of others.  The only person who’s going to make a difference to selling our home is me. Our home is a great family home.  It’s been on the market since Christmas.  The house has received lots of clicks on the internet.  There have been quite a number of viewings.  Still waiting for an offer to be made.  The house remains unsold and it’s starting to get frustrating.  It’s not a disaster if I don’t move.  However, 2014 is the year of transition.  Deep down I will never be able to make the emotional shift if I remain in the house and hence no new start and all that.

I have put together plan B in my mind.  My Estate Agent, who I do not blame at all and has in fact been trying very hard, is, however, going to receive the benefit of my opinion, thoughts and receive a “gentle” nudge to get things moving – literally.  I know the market is difficult, a fear of interest rates rising, tougher to get mortgages etc etc.  That’s not my problem. If Mohammed will not go to the mountain, the mountain must come to Mohammed.  Bish bash bosh!

As for the personal relationship side of life there’s never going to be any rush.  Life on this front will have to take its course.  In fact I have met some fantastic women and had such a laugh - well most of the time anyway.  There have been a few occasions where I have met someone and I will never get that time back.  40 minutes lost forever.  I mean when you meet someone, especially for the first time, the minimum you should do is to wear a clean shirt, shower and shave.  One woman didn’t make any effort at all.  She didn’t even shave! [Joke]

As I have said before jumping into a relationship at the 50 mark was never going to be easy.   I don’t believe there are many people who have signed up for match.com because everything in their life is going swimmingly.  Certainly around my age there are all kinds of emotional legacy to overcome.  So I’m just going to enjoy this phase of my life, not make any big plans.  Just see what life brings.  After all what is there not to like?

I am not sure I’m making a big impact on the dating front in any case.  For instance I arranged to meet a lady in a bar for a “meeting” just to see if we got on and all that stuff.  The following day I received a text message from the woman

Hi Peter,

Thank you for a lovely evening.  I really enjoyed it…. Perhaps we can meet up again.  Susan [name changed] x

I responded

Hi Susan

I really enjoyed the evening too… Maybe we could we meet up.  Paul  PS  my name is Paul not Peter!

Her response

OMG!  I’m so sorry ha ha…  I know your name is Paul.  I don’t know why I called you Peter.  F**k!  I don’t even know a Peter…

So obviously made a lasting impression on this woman!

I have so many tales to tell but that’s a whole new book.

The single biggest factor that has improved my own life this year is seeing how well the two kids have done.  Thankfully, Georgina has come through her own difficult phase.  Georgina has just completed her first year at Uni studying so hard and deserves all the glory and accolades she’s going to receive.

Joe too has worked really enjoyed his first year.  The boy seems to be living the dream in a beautiful part of the world.  Joe has worked really hard especially recently where his team have just made a silent film. I can’t wait to have a viewing of the film he has edited.

I know that their mother is looking down on them proudly and guiding them through.  We are both proud parents

So over the next few weeks there will be some changes in my direction and a bit more energy in various parts of my life.  I am bumping along ok at the moment. But!  Watch this space!

Y Viva Espana

I promise you that my 50^th birthday celebrations have come to an end.  It must be the longest ever celebrated birthday – sorry hope you forgive me for this self-indulgence.  Anyway.  The celebrations started at the end of March in Dublin and has rolled on and on finally ending in Madrid on 5^th May.  However, for good measure I have been on a three day “teambuilding session” with the FD Centre in London and Paris from 6^th to 8^th May!

I have had so much fun.  Just being able to catch up with so many friends from today and from yesteryear.  Very often we were all telling the old same stories that we had heard for generations but told as though we were hearing them for the first time and every time we would still be laughing.  In addition I probably drunk far too much for a person on the wrong side of 50.  The past month’s adventure has gone from being “Le Tour D’ Europe” to “Where did my liver go tour?“

The long weekend to Madrid was a joint celebration with my best mate Richard and Cher. In fact Rich is still celebrating “not being 50” as he has to wait until June 19th.  Cher had suggested the idea of a joint celebration to me some time ago but she wanted it to be a surprise for Richard.   Cher did the majority of the organising most of which turned out well.  I’m not going to say too much about the accommodation.  All I will say is that three words you do not always want hear “Old” “Traditional” “Spanish”.

Our families have shared loads of holidays together and almost without fail something unusual or farfetched would occur: Rich broke his ankle falling off a skim board whilst holidaying in Florida; Rich was trampled on by a horse at a festival in St Luis, Menorca; we all ended up in a “swarm” of jellyfish in Greece etc.  This trip to Madrid was no different but luckily there wasn’t any need for medical treatment: we found ourselves listening to a six foot man with rat like features in a “old traditional Spanish” bar called the Mushroom Club; a man dressed as a demonic freaky looking goat sat in the middle of the Plaza Major annoying the life out of us; a quirky restaurant owner reminded us of Mr Chow, the Chinese guy from the film The Hangover; a party of 20 Chinese people spontaneously broke out into song whilst sat waiting for their meal and received a standing ovation from everyone in the street etc.  There are plenty of other stories which I won’t go into detail about because you wouldn’t believe them anyway

Madrid is a beautiful and classical city. The whole ambience is very relaxed and spontaneous. There is just so much going on all the time. Great bars and restaurants my personal favourite being the bar with the bullfighting memorabilia on the edge of Plaza Major.  Every time you ordered a drink in any bar a plates of tapas would be brought to you at no additional cost. At times Madrid seemed to be like be sort of all-inclusive resort. I would highly recommend Madrid to anyone for a long weekend.

The fact that our families have spent so many holidays and good times made looking at the empty fourth seat very hard for the three of us.  We still feel the huge loss in our lives and still find it all so difficult to accept.  The only thing we could do is to enjoy ourselves as Caroline would have demanded and we all agreed she was with us laughing with us. 

The past few weeks have really lifted my own spirits and now feel ready to take on the World.  I feel so different to where I was at the start of April.  It’s all thanks to all of you that took time to celebrate with me.  Certain aspects of my life are improving by quite a step change and now beginning to feel certainty in my own decision making and direction.  The path is certainly straight on at the moment.  The partying and the travelling has come to end for the time being.  Now I have return to real world and de-toxing.  Next step is to run the Bristol 10k on 11^th May.