Mr Brightside

The World remains a poorer place.  Today is the 3^rd Anniversary of Caroline’s passing.  Caroline’s passing is just so tragic.  A very beautiful lady who had such a zest for life, who always overcame adversity with that beautiful smile even in our darkest few days together.  I will always miss Caroline and would love even just another minute with her just to let her know “that the children are doing great, I am alright and that I miss her and love her”.  The rest of the minute would be just to hold her again.  I believe that in that minute Caroline would be telling me “I love you but now you have to get on with it!  Make sure my kids are looked after”

Caroline was never one to sit around and feel sorry for herself.  Throughout her life she has had to deal with emotional challenges and her strength of character was so resolute.  Always the one organising holidays, outings, me and the kids.  In fact I always have this feeling that Caroline is with us and still pulling the strings.

Over the past three years I have become highly sensitive to signals and events around me.  I remember many years ago on a balmy night on holiday in Spain with Cher and Rich, Caroline telling me completely out of the blue 

“When I die you need to find someone else.  You have to get on with it….”

I was just so shocked

“Why are you telling me this?  You’re not going anywhere….”

It was such a strange conversation.  A few years later hmmm!

I’m sure that Caroline is still sending me the message.  Just this weekend, whilst at “the Pride Festival” (I haven’t come out and being there is another story), two songs just stood out both of which mean so much to Caroline and me.

“I will always love you” by Whitney Houston was number 1 when Georgina was born and for that fact alone Caroline always wanted it played at her funeral.  The words are just so powerful and felt as though Caroline was talking to me.  I felt it so hard to fight back the tears.   A short while later Caroline’s favourite song played:  Mr Brightside, by the Killers.  Another very meaningful song for us both.

I will always love you - Whitney Houston

Mr Brightside - The Killers

Five years ago if I had read this passage I would have thought that the writer had lost the plot.  I’m sure it’s all just coincidence.  However, when you’ve lost someone so close you hang on to every possible moment to connect with that person.

I have reached the point now, with some spiritual encouragement, where I will try to stop re-living the past.  I am so lucky to have met the girl of my dreams, the most beautiful woman – on the inside as well as the outside – who gave me so much and made me the person I am today.  Caroline gave us two fantastic children.  My family have so many great memories which will be parcelled and carried with us wherever we go.    Caroline will never be far away pulling our strings. 

This is the final page of the “Without A Paddle” and I thank you for reading it allowing me to self-indulge on my own problems.  I will finish with a poem about Caroline written by Matthew Cotty, Georgina’s boyfriend.  Matthew has never met Caroline.

It started with a smile in an unknown place,

Then it spread like wildfire from face to face

Like a butterfly in it's effect

It changed the future like a cheap Rolex.

It was love at first sight

The kind of love they couldn't fight

The birds sang every morning,

And they would dance every night.

Spring would come twice a year,

Straight after summer would appear.

It wasn't the cat in the cradle

It was the family round the table.

He lost his hair but she didn't care,

Because that smile was still there.

It couldn't be helped, there was no one to blame.

But the reaper couldn't skip his claim.

And so it ended with that smile,

And a tear drop which started the Nile.

Love You and Miss You

Paul xxxx

World In Motion

“Life is short and the world is wide”

Caroline Florida 2007

The bus taking me along the road of life is approaching another fork.  The journey over the past 4 years has been the worst imaginable and I still can’t take in the enormity of what has happened.   What has happened in the 4 to 5 years were never in Caroline and my plans.  The ones that we had roughly mapped for our lives "once the kids have grown up and can sort themselves out".   In fact 2011 was going to be our biggest year ever:  Caroline was off the Las Vegas to celebrate Karen’s, her sister, big four zero; later that year we were then off on a breath taking Mediterranean cruise starting in Venice to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary; we were also about to book a family holiday to drive across USA along the infamous Route 66. This was just the start!

Matt, Georgina and Joe in Universal Studio

Then bang. Everything was cancelled. Insurance claims made.  Plans were torn up and thrown out of the window. Caroline and I hoped for the miracle cure. Visits to hospitals and doctors were all that we had to look forward to.  During a period of respite the family miraculously managed to getaway to Mexico to be part of Carl and Emmalouise's wedding party. We loved it and so many beautiful memories.  Then the respite ended and we were then in the hands of time and Caroline’s own determination.

Georgina and Caroline Gran Canaria

You know the rest

Now here I am.  Three years later.  I’m still standing, breathing and living.  A great deal has happened.  I have moved house, the kids have both been fantastic and Caroline would be really proud of them, working is fulfilling etc.  I’m doing alright although I wouldn’t have chosen to be here by this route. So what is next?  Which fork should I take?

Travelling springs to mind.  It’s the thing Caroline and I always enjoyed.  We had so many great holidays and adventures.  When I reflect on the great times we had holiday

Holiday with kids mates in Spain

adventures always seem to be among the stand out moments.  I will never forget celebrating my 40^thon the same day as being Neil’s best man in the Grand Canyon.  Nor will I never forget the Vodka Revolution Bar in Vegas. Then there’s the time when Richard got trampled on by a horse at the festival in St Luis, Menorca.  Oh not to forget taking the kids to Disneyland, Orlando.  The list could go on and on with every trip having a story to tell.  These are the moments that always bring a smile to my face.  In fact whenever you talk to anyone about their travels their eyes light up and they become very animated. People can’t help themselves talking about the holidays they've been on, the ones they're about to go on. The excitement of getting up in the early hours right through to arriving at the resort through the quality of the food, how hot it was (always 10 degrees hotter than what it actually was) and then journey home. Burger King in the airport was always part of travelling home ritual for the Watson holiday.

40th Birthday in Grand Canyon 2004

Then you got the real adventurists. Trekking across the Andes, climbing Kilimanjaro, sailing the seas, skiers, people who want to bungee jump.  These people have something wrong with them!  Even so it’s all just so exciting and who knows I might join them.

Looking out to the future I just need more of this kind of excitement.  I have had recent great excursions to Australia to see the British Lions and more recently to Turkey.  I have been lucky to have had some good friends who have welcomed me on holiday with them. Rich and Cher have always welcomed me with open arms. Ricey was a great companion in Australia with which I will always be grateful.   My brothers have invited me on holiday with them. 

Vodka Revolution, Las Vegas 2006

I now need to do more of this.  It's taken me a long time to get my head straight, well as straight, as it ever will be, I have been feeling unsettled for a couple of months. Being 50 was fun!  Being 51 is real. Time to get on with it.

Visiting Cuba springs to mind.  I want to see Cuba in its natural and historical beauty before Starbucks and KFC set up camp now that the US have restored ties.  Also on my list is South Africa, then there’s the Far East.  The list goes on and on.  One thing for sure is the list will never be exhausted.  I might me. 

Barcelona with Cher and Rich

The current episode of my life is nearing an end.  The feeling of guilt, the feeling to justify my actions to make myself feel better, inward looking and always wondering what was going to happen.  In the past three years I have grown in strength, in confidence and stature.  The next chapter needs to be written.   Goodness knows what it will look like and who will be playing leading role but the bus will be rumbling on.  Willing travel companions apply within.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”

Mexico 2011

This is the penultimate page of “Without A Paddle”.  The blog has been tremendously good therapy   allowing me to express my inner feelings.  The response and encouragement I have received through it has just been amazing.  The blog is nearing the end of its shelf life.  There will be one more piece which fittingly will be on the July 14th: the 3rd Anniversary of Caroline’s passing.

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When the Curtain Comes Down

“Double pleat or treble pleat Sir?”

I look at the man as though he is landed from Mars.

“I don’t have a clue what you are talking about” I reply

“Well do you want your curtains folded like this or would you like them folded like this”

I look at him opened mouthed!  I don’t know what to say.

I have now entered on yet another new world.  The world of soft furnishings and curtains.  I just want a set of curtains.  How hard could it be?  Extremely is the answer.  Yet again there’s a whole set of new words and expressions to learn:  double pleat treble pleat, roman blinds, contemporary style, classic style, tracker rail, tie back, don’t tie back etc etc.   My brain has exploded.  I am just bamboozled.  Every day is a school day.

Needless to say new curtains are sat on the “too difficult” pile although I need to do something or I could end up with an ASBO!

Even without the curtains the new place is fantastic.  It has lived up to my expectations and I love living the city life.  Now that the good weather is on the horizon the garden looks even more inviting.  I want to make the place my own putting my own mark on my new home so am going to bring the interior up to date and especially increasing the amount of storage capacity.  I am still at the point where I cannot unpack anymore boxes and suitcases as there is literally nowhere to put anything. 

Living in Clifton and so close to Bristol city centre is great.  It is a bit odd though when I have had to nip out to the local Sainsbury to buy a few groceries and then walking past people who are on their way out to a bar or restaurant.   I always feel envious of them and can be easily swayed to nip in for some light refreshment.

There have been a few times where I have replicated the comedians Micky Flannigan’s “Out Out” sketch.  Basically I have popped “out” to the shops and ended up “out” in a bar holding on to my carrier bags of groceries.  I have managed up to now to be able to leave the bar before I am “out out out!” Micky Flanagans Out

I need to break “out” of these rituals before the dreaded weight gain occurs.  Life is starting to feel like fun and less stressful.  The new lifestyle has lifted Joe and is enjoying himself since being home from University.  Why wouldn’t he?  “Subs” from Subway are literally a stone’s throw away.

Joe and Georgina ae both doing well at University and are now in their final term of the second year.  A term that’s last all of one month £3000 please – kerr-ching!

Life goes on and the past few months have been very hectic and work has exploded.  It doesn’t help that I have this tendency to say “yes” to everything putting increasing pressure on myself  Trying to juggle everything as at times been nutz.  So a just a few weeks ago I decided to book a holiday to Olu Deniz, Turkey.  By all accounts it’s a beautiful place with a lagoon and lots of people paragliding apparently.  Just what I need!  What can go wrong?  Well when I travel quite a lot.  Rich has already told me to locate the British consulate on arrival just in case and not to go to the Syrian border.

I will be holidaying with someone else, a young lady who I have been seeing for a little while.  We have become good friends and enjoy each other’s company but more of that another time.

So the bus rumbles on.  I feel as though all the people who matter most to me are sat comfortably giving me directions when I need it.  

The Next Episode

I haven’t looked back once since moving out of Blackberry Drive, Frampton Cotterell.  I am now resident in Clifton, Bristol living the city life.

The week leading up to the move started slowly.  A severe lack of motivation brought on by the thoughts of leaving the family home after 13 years and quite frankly I still had a stack of packing to do.

Once again family and friends rallied around accelerating the packing and cleaning.  By the end of the week I was ready.  Everything was packed away ready for the delivery men (who I highly recommend www.kwikmove.co.uk).  Well almost everything!  My memories of Caroline and the kid are cherished and locked away in my heart.  They will be with me all the time no matter where I am.

On my final day at Frampton Cotterell I had a last look around all the rooms wearing a wry smile remembering some of the many great times we had.  I locked the door, posted the keys through the letterbox, then Joe and I jumped into the car blasting my car horn all the way down the road whilst waving bye to the neighbours.

“Adios! Onwards!”

“Goodbye Frampton!”

“Hello Clifton”.

The new home is so much better than I remembered when viewing.  An open plan style apartment in a Georgian style house dating back to 1872.  Considering I am living in Central Bristol it is so quiet.  As quiet as Frampton Cotterell.  Although the difference is quite stark when you wander a short distant in any direction from the doorstep.  Literally 250 yards from Park St and 150 yards from Whiteladies Road both bustling streets full of shops, bars, restaurants and history.  Absolutely perfect for a single man who wants to live the city life.  The location has not gone unnoticed by my friends all of whom are eyeing up Joe’s room as a crash pad when he’s away.  I could easily become the most popular man in Bristol.

The move to Clifton is a big step!  The past two and half of years we have been travelling through the wilderness not knowing what challenge we would face next, living through a period of guilt and indecision.  The priority has been to ensure that me and the kids become the people that Caroline would have been proud of and a credit to her memory.  I believe we are doing this.  We move on with our heads held high. Our new home now provides the perfect platform on which to live the rest of our lives. We take the next step with strength and courage:  you never know what is around the corner!

Before being able to enjoy this new lifestyle there was the little matter of dealing with unpacking the boxes.  At one point, as my worldly were being unloaded and placed in my new living room, I began to wonder if it all would fit.  This is despite selling, donating and chucking out so much.  Thankfully everything fitted in.  Just!  One of the disadvantages of an open plan apartment is that the contents of my former living room, dining room, study and kitchen are now all in the same room.  Nothing matches!  Who cares?  I love it here.

Now that I have been living in my new surroundings for just over two weeks I feel very settled.  Most of the boxes have been unpacked (or placed into Joe’s room).  However, sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for:  I have already received a few calls “can Paul come out to play?  I will have to watch my weight!!!! 

Now for the next episode!

Pack Up

“Yippee!” Today I have exchanged contracts on my house and complete next week.  Friday 13^th  February

“F@@k” Today I have exchanged contracts on my house and complete next week.  Friday 13^th  February

After one of the longest deals in the history of house selling the light is at the end of the tunnel.  I cannot believe how long it has taken to get to this point.  BT have bought EE for £12bn in about two months.  My house sell has taken 5 months, let alone the time to find a buyer.  In fairness Natali at Andrews and Kim at Edison Ford have been superb at keeping the chain moving along and very professional estate agents.

Now I am on the brink of actually moving.  The reality of reaching the next junction on my journey is fast approaching and one that could be life changing.   It is by far the biggest milestone that I have had to deal with in the past 937 days.  Maybe in my life.

For some time now I have been downsizing my belongings and have made considerable progress.  Mum and Dad have been stalwarts ferrying my rubbish to the tip each week.  St Peter’s hospice have benefited by the amount of clothes and stuff much of which had never been used. However, I have a real feeling that whatever I do it will not be sufficient to fit comfortably into a two bedroom apartment.  The sorting and the downsizing will have to continue after the move.  Some say I will be still be emptying boxes 10 years later!   Lets hope not!

The process of sorting so much stuff has brought memories flooding back to the forefront of my mind. Great to remember so many great times with Caroline and the kids.  So many photos!  There has been some quite scary fashion over the years.  How did Speedos become legal?

Sorting through the photos brings it home how the loss of Caroline is still so raw and how much I miss her.  Whilst sorting, packing and disposing of our belongings I couldn’t help but repeatedly ask myself

 “how did this happen?”

Desk for Sale

“why am I doing this?”

I still have a feeling of injustice.

There is still so much to do.  Joe, with some considerable help from Georgina, has managed to sell some bedroom furniture.  Now only have to deal with 4 bikes, chest of drawers, a desk, shed full of stuff and an attic full of tut.

The good news about the exchange of contracts was however far surpassed by some even better news.  Georgina had achieved a “first” in her latest degree module.  Georgina just deserves so much as she has had put so much effort into her studies.

So the Watson bus goes rolling on.  The indicator lights are flashing.  There is only one way to turn and there is no going back.  Its going to be emotional.  Next stop Clifton, Bristol.

All These Things I've Done

The Watson family has ended 2014 in a much better place and much stronger than when we began the year.  In fact I am really proud of how we have grown in the face of adversity and tragedy over the past 4 and half years – even if I do say so myself.  Caroline would be truly proud of us.

Mrs Watson's family is looking good!

There’s no doubt that none of this could have been achieved without the continued support from family, friends and from people we have never met.

Each year I have set myself some goals just to give me an insight on far we have travelled and to provide some sort of vision for us even if the outlook has been very blurred.  Below is a review of 2014 goals:

Family

1.  Continue to support Joe in his studies and ensure he gets settled in the student flat for next year

Supporting Joe while he is so far away in Falmouth is not always easy and could always be better.  However, he has certainly matured through the first year of his film degree.  I really cannot wait to see the documentary he recently produced and edited.  Joe has settled into his student flat – we won’t talk about the cleanliness as this is a constant debate between us.  A real pleasure to be with him over the New Year period (7/10)

2.  Continue to support Georgina in her studies

Georgina has really matured and grown in confidence in 2014.  Georgina is now much more independent and has an excellent partner in Matt.  Georgina has now moved into a rented house in Emmersons Green, Bristol.  Georgina has been a big help to me in 2014.  Georgina is achieving high marks in her Psychology Degree (8/10)

Me

3.  Move house

The move from our home just turned into an ongoing saga.  To cut a year long story short my house is now under offer going through the usual financial and legal processes.  Similarly I have made an accepted offer on an apartment in Clifton which again is going through similar due diligence processes.  The anticipated date of the move is now the end of January and will mark a significant milestone on my own journey (6/10)

4.  Re-address work – life balance

This target has been a bit of a washout.  As I am now working for myself I feel a compulsion to say “yes” to almost everything through the fear of not knowing where the next contract is coming from.  The reality is that I need to believe in myself and find alternate ways of getting work done.  Oh and chill a bit.  I have to get this right.  Having said that I have managed to have some quality time off during the year especially to celebrate my 50^th. (4/10)

5.  Celebrate my 50^th birthday

For years I have been dreading becoming 50, even well before Caroline’s passing.  The thought of Caroline not being at my side made 50 even more daunting.  Well I need not have worried.  Thanks to my family and friends coming out in large numbers I had the most fantastic time:  Dublin, Cardiff, Bristol, Madrid, London and Paris in the space of six weeks.  Not too bad.   I felt very humbled that so many people came out to celebrate my birthday.  Certainly lifted my spirits.  50 is definitely the new 40!  
(10/10)

6.  Look after my health more responsibly

Well I only dabbled at this one:  started to detox but only lasted one and half days; started the 5 and 2 diet which lasted a few weeks before giving in to the tiredness due to living off 600 calories; additionally my liking for gin has become very widely known – four bottles of gin for Christmas.  Having said all of this   I did manage to run a few times per week.  Could do better – extra training required (4/10)

7.  Raise £500 for St Peter’s Hospice

Managed to raise around £300 in sponsorships; donating clothing and household items to their shops as part of my downsizing activity; plus I bought my Christmas cards from them.  I was also asked to tell my story as part of St Peter’s advertising campaign which is both online and being played in local schools and churches.  If my story helps one other person then it would have been worthwhile.  (9/10)

 

Work

8.   Freelancing has to payback in 2014

Working for myself has really gone well this year especially in the second half.  Being able to help small and medium sized businesses to grow is immensely fulfilling.  I also have some flexibility in my working patterns.  Now I need to get the balance right  (8/10)   

                                                                                                        Total    56/80 Achieved

Joint 50th Celebration in Madrid

Overall, I have really had a lot of fun and find myself with a huge amount of energy.  Life will never be the same or as fulfilled with such a void in my life.  The most important aspect I need to keep remembering is that when I look around me there is only great family and great friends.

If 2014 was the year of change 2015 is one of building on our successes and have some fun

Family

1.  Continue to support Joe with his studies especially as he will be starting his final year from September 2015.  I also need to help Joe find a job, preferably in the media industry

2. Support Georgina in her studies.  Also help find Georgina more permanent accommodation.

Me

3.  Move into my new home as quickly as possible

Dad's 75th Birthday

4.  Tick off another entry on my bucket list:  watch England v West Indies play cricket in the Caribbean

5.  Look after my health.  Being 50 has been a bit of a novelty.  On April 14th I will be 51 – it is real.  The first thing to address is my sleeping pattern:  simply put go to bed earlier!

6.  Run Bristol 10k – try to beat last year’s time and raise money for St Peter’s Hospice

7.  Not spend Christmas and New Year on my “own”.

Work

8.  Build on 2014 momentum but not at the expense of my own personal life

I am looking forward to 2015 with a great deal to do and achieve.  The journey continues and there is some clear road ahead.  As I have said many times before I just want Caroline to be proud of her family.