Ok Fred!

You know what!  The World is becoming much clearer and life is starting to shape.  The fact that the basic foundations are falling into place allows you to start building towards a brighter future:  the fact that I am adjusting to working freelance has helped immensely; the kids are really enjoying University.  Joe’s Film course is absolutely fascinating touching on history, literature and people development.  Georgina tells me how she and the other students are so enthusiastic about the course that they are actually cheering at the end of the psychology lectures.  I am clear now that I will be moving after Christmas.  There are other impetus.  There seems to be a lot of bad news around especially with regard to people’s health.  Life is too short to dilly dally about!

For the past few weeks I have spoken about being quite calm.  In some ways it has felt a little eerie as I didn’t know why.  Since Caroline’s 50^th birthday has passed I feel as though a weight has been lifted.  It’s really strange how your brain sub-conscientiously protects you and regulates your emotions.   I do feel much more comfortable with myself and happier.

However, life never allows you to be free of all concerns.  My Dad has been in hospital for six weeks and just had a triple heart bypass operation in the Bristol Heart Institute.   Dad only went in for a minor operation as a day patient but discovered that his blood pressure was through the roof.  After many tests the doctors described my dad as “a mystery and challenge”.  There was no need to carry out those tests to come up with that conclusion. I could have told them.  He’s been that all his life!  It was really strange to see him still under the affects of anaesethic and really out with the fairies.  So quiet!  For the first time in a very long, in fact ever, I wanted him to tell me one of his awful (and I mean awful) jokes.  When he has left hospital please don’t ever tell him I want to hear one of his jokes.  That moment is over!  Dad is now recovering and hopefully he will be out soon

So all these ingredients have spurred me on.  What is the point of hanging about?  I’m just determined to move on and take opportunities as they arise.  Start to plan ahead.  In many ways life is good.  I’m meeting new and interesting people almost daily.  I’m experiencing new challenges daily.  I have great friends and family.  I have great kids.  I have the memories of a beautiful and loving wife and soul mate.

If I am honest I have plenty of people to go out with but no one to share those little moments.  I have all these ideas about the future, about travelling etc but I don’t want to plough a single furrow.  I need a companion.  Ricey did a great job for three weeks when we went to Australia but long term he doesn’t quite fit the bill.  The next steps need a lot of thought.  Watch this space.

I'm Outta Time

Just like to say thank you for all the messages of support on Caroline’s 50th birthday that the kids and I received.  These messages truly uplifted the three of us.  We even competed on who actually received more messages when we were celebrating at Bottleginos on Friday.  In seriousness Georgian, Joe and I were just overwhelmed by the support.    I would also like to thank the family and friends who celebrated Caroline’s 50^th birthday with me at the Lock Keeper.  Again we remembered the good times we had with Caroline, how she affected their lives and what a great person she was is.  These people have supported me and the kids all year and again they were there for us!

Yet another busy period coming up with the build up to Christmas and Georgina’s 21st.  Whereas this time last year I was absolutely dreading this period now I am quite at easy with the whole thing.  To be honest I hadn’t even given it much thought.  Spotting my lack of focus Karen has now sat me down and has organised the Christmas thing. Being trained by one of the best Karen is the ideal person to sort me out – well my diary.  We have now sorted out my diary up until Christmas.

Georgina will be 21 on 7^th December.  I did actually know she was going to be 21 before anyone asks!  Yes my bundle of joy (Rich and Cher she has always been as good as gold – right?) will be 21.  Incredible!  I will never forget the day she was born… but that’s for another day.  All I have to do is to book the restaurant and Karen is doing everything else.  Everything else is done and I will get around to booking the restaurant some time soon!

I haven’t given much thought about Christmas yet.  In fact this is not very unusual.  Caroline would have had the presents bought and wrapped by the end of Boots double points day in February.  Got my Christmas shopping day in the diary for 28^th November – a whole month before Christmas wow!  The rest will be done on-line I’m sure!

One big change this year is that The Watsons for the first time ever will not be having Christmas Dinner at home.  Last year I felt under pressure of keeping our traditions alive.  Whereas from now on I just want to do what makes the kids and me happy.  In truth Caroline and I had chatted about eating out anyway.  Christmas dinner has now been booked at the Badminton Arms, Frampton Cotterell.  We were lucky to get in. I tried quite a number of places but there was ‘no room at the inn’.  Apparently all this sort of stuff gets booked up in September.  That’s still summer and cricket is still being played.

Still trying to get use to the fact that I am a single parent and I know that I have really only got to sort myself out but life seems to be full on at the moment.  So big thanks to Karen for keeping me on track and being patient with me!

Sweet Caroline

Yet another big milestone in the Watson journey.  On Wednesday November 13^th it will be Caroline’s 50^th birthday.  Georgina, Joe and I will do our best to celebrate and cherish Caroline’s life.  This is my tribute to our Sweet Caroline.

The World remains a poorer place without Caroline. Caroline personality and demeanour touched everyone that she met. Her kindness, her sense of adventure, her sense of humour and above all her selflessness were all overwhelming attributes that humbled everyone Caroline met. Beneath the easy going exterior lay a drive and determination to do what was right

As we all know Caroline was an absolute fantastic chef both in her career and at home.  The kids and I were overjoyed the other week when we finally found Caroline’s recipe cards.  The kids tried to re-create a couple of dishes using these recipes.  All I’m going to say is “nice try but… a hard act to follow"!  All those that worked with Caroline had a huge amount of respect for her and all remained in touch with her.  In recent years Caroline built a reputation for making the best Christmas puddings ever and struggled to keep up with the ever burgeoning demand from friends and family.

Friends of Caroline tell me how she was a “great friend” and just how much they miss her.  Caroline was remarkable.  Given some of the setbacks that Caroline suffered in her life she was never fazed and always made time for people.  Always the first to visit someone in hospital, never forgot anyone’s birthday or anniversary and always made it a special occasion.  Time and time again people tell me that Caroline would listen and never judge.   As Caroline’s husband I was rarely afforded that luxury.  Ha ha!

Caroline’s biggest life success was the manner in which she raised her children. Caroline typically applied her own behaviours and values to our children. Caroline was a very loving and caring mother and nothing was more important to her. We were a happy family (well most of the time).  The kids and I use to be in stitches when Caroline use to confuse her sayings and expressions. I can recall “kill two dogs with one spoon”, “the ODI Career story” and “park behind that yellow car…what that red one… yes!”.  These stories will mean little to many people but to the four we would be in stitches when we recollected them.  Caroline wasn’t afraid to laugh at herself.  Our family anthem was “my first, my last, my everything” by Barry White.  When we now reflect on that song it is so poignant.  As a consequence of Caroline's direction Georgina and Joseph, are people that we are extremely proud. They are absolute credit to her memory.

I will never forget and will always appreciate the support Caroline’s always gave me in everything I did.  Together we were a formidable partnership.  We were teenage sweethearts meeting whilst both at college in 1980. Caroline and I married on 19th July 1986 at Knowle Methodist Church and bought our first house in Brislington. I was, and still am, the luckiest man in the world. I had married the girl of my dreams and someone I absolutely adored.  I was truly blessed.

Caroline's loved music and dancing. Caroline was a trained dancer and very proud of her ballroom trophies she won as a child. However, Caroline loved nothing better than attending a gig loving all types of pop and rock music. She was avid follower of new music listening only to Radio 1 and was kept up to date by her children. In fact when we attended a very muddy Glastonbury in 2007 it was plain as day that Caroline had landed in heaven especially as the Killers were headlining.

She dealt with every situation with the same assured determination. Caroline was fostered by Mrs Hilda Ball (Nan) from an early age alongside Anne (Nan's daughter) and Davids family allowing Caroline to grow up with Mark and Karen as brother and sister. Caroline also spent a lot of time with her Aunty Joy and cousin Teri in her early childhood. Caroline always appreciated that she had a loving family network around her that shaped her into the person as we know today.

We shared many great moments and great holidays, too many to mention, with our dear friends Rich and Cher.  On Wednesday we will certainly looking up to the sky singing “Catch A Falling Star” as the four of us did in Barcelona on Cher’s significant birthday

So on Wednesday Caroline will reach the big five-o!  Whereas many people dread these big birthdays, 30 40 50, Caroline would have been so happy and made sure we all celebrated.  As I keep repeating nothing fazed her (well the odd spider).  There’s no doubt that we would have been off somewhere hot and exotic to celebrate.  It’s so difficult to believe Caroline won’t be with us, well in body anyway.  I firmly believe Caroline will have a hand in proceedings.  There is no way she will let her 50th pass without letting us know she is watching over us.

On Wednesday we will be meeting in the Lock Keeper to raise a toast to our beloved Caroline and all are welcome. The kids will be at Uni so we will have our own toast on Friday evening.  We will remember all the great times we had together and actually appreciate how much Caroline had an influence on each of us.  Although we are trying to get on with our lives there is no way we can let this special day pass us by. Actually there is no way Caroline will let us!

We will never forget what you gave to us all

Always thinking of you

Happy 50th my "English Rose"

Paul

Don't Look Back In Anger

Following on from last week’s blog I have still got that feeling of calmness which still sits with me in an uneasy way.  It feels as though something big is going to happen to me but I’m not sure what it is.  I’m hoping that whatever it is its going to be good.  Don’t get me wrong most things are good, moving in the right direction and I’m becoming more and more positive about the future.  It’s just an unusual feeling.  In fairness the past three years have not been great so perhaps by defensive guards are stopping me from getting excited and carried away.

Perhaps my mind is just preoccupied with the here and now.  There is so much going on:   finally getting my head around moving home which will now happen after Christmas; lots of work to do with my client which is keeping me very busy; booking activities with my new found fraternity that is the Spice club; most importantly the health and wellbeing of my parents.

Clearly there is a new spring in my step and broad smile – well most of the time.  If anyone is staring at me whilst I am in my house they will think I am bonkers: dancing and singing whilst playing my music loudly; talking to myself – and even answering back,  I haven’t quite starting sticking Pringles tubes to the ceiling yet! 

When I compare and contrast my state of mind now with this time last year there’s a vast difference. Yes there is still a sense of injustice and the thoughts of ‘what might have been’.  However, the feelings of numbness and emptiness are now replaced by self-assurance and a forward looking outlook; anger and frustration have been tempered and replaced with great memories and anecdotes.  I also got these feelings when I met the ladies from my St Peter’s Hospice for lunch.  It was so clear to me that they too were much more positive about the future and that all of them are moving on with their lives albeit in different ways following bereavement of close ones.  Well done ladies.

The second year after bereavement is much different to the first.  You have experienced those dreaded anniversaries and held onto those traditions that meant and still mean so much.  At some point though you do have to accept that something tragic has happened and life will never be the same and in fact be quite different.  I am going to embrace this change and adapt to my new found circumstances.  So we’re now shaping up to a new life and a new normality.  Looking forward to the future but never forgetting the past.  

The Watson Meal Planner wc 28th October 2013

Wc  28th October 2013

Get Well Soon Mum and Dad xx

Monday

Bacon, eggs, sausages, waffles, beans

Tuesday

Lasagne

Wednesday

Pasta Bolognese 

Thursday

Fish Cakes, French Fries & Beans

Friday

Pasta, creme fraiche, leeks, panacetta, mushrooms

Saturday

TBA

Sunday

TBA

There's A Kind Of Hush

I have a very uneasy feeling.  For the first time in a very very long time I feel very calm, self-assured and in control of my emotions. Not that long ago the smallest thought or reminder of Caroline brought back painful memories. I also had the feeling of being alone.  At one point I thought I was slipping into depression.  Now I have this feeling of calm.  It seems so strange.  So alien.

I guess there are a number of reasons that have brought me to this place.  Firstly, when I reflect on the way I looked after Caroline when she needed me most.  I could not have done anymore.  I did everything possible to make her life as comfortable as possible.  The period for me re-defined the meaning of love.  I have gained a great deal of self-confidence from this period.

In the aftermath the steps that I have taken to keep my family FED.  My kids have always been brought up on Caroline’s home cooking and meals at routine times. Therefore, I knew that learning to cook was a priority. Caroline taught me.  The kids became my harshest critics. Even so my simple cooking skills kept the routines going and meant that the household kept moving.

The fact the kids have settled into university life so well has reduced my stress levels.  For any kid moving away from home is a big step.  Georgina seems to have settled well and is really loving her new course.  As for Joe.  He’s loving his Film course and has a great set of friends.  If anyone needs cheering up then look at Joe’s photos on his Facebook page.  I didn’t think anyone could get into trouble with Pringles tubes!!

Over the past couple of weeks I have received some good feedback on the way I have been performing from my clients. Recognition is always good.  Considering I’m quite new to this freelancing way of life I’m quite pleased with myself. 

Additionally I have taken steps to move my life on.  Don’t forget my definition of “moving on”.  Moving on from the pain and the grieving not moving on from Caroline.  Started to downsize the house, started to look at new house.  I may wait until after Christmas before moving.  Too much to do.  By joining  Spice I am now broadening my social network.

So I guess for the first time in a long time things are coming together.  Still miss Caroline not being around.  Getting fed up with my own company. Large parts of my life will never be the same.  But spiritually and physically I seem to be moving on up.  I feel that I am on some sort of flight path and taking off.  The wheels have just left the runway.  I expect that there will be some turbulence along the way. It is all a bit strange.  I hope it lasts

PS  Just had my first test of my new found calm.  Just got another 3 points for speeding and am now up to 9.  Uh oh! 

Handbags and Gladrags

Imelda Markos eat your heart out.  The widow of the former

Filipino President Ferninand was renowned for her vast collection of shoes.  My sister inlaw Karen and I have just spent Sunday afternoon emptying Caroline’s clothes and shoes from the wardrobe.  I never quite knew how many pairs of shoes Caroline actually had but now I do.  Wow!  Why does a woman need so many pairs of shoes?  Shoes for almost every possible occasion at least four times over!

 

Yet another testing step along the journey to a place I don’t know where.  I finally started the exercise of downsizing so that I can make the next moves.  Karen and I decided that it would not be right to just put Caroline’s belongings into black bin bags so we used suit cases, storage containers for accessories and shopping bags which seemed quite appropriate as Caroline was a complete shopaholic – although she would deny it!

There is still a number of lovely dresses, really stylish shoes and jewellery remaining.  I have asked Caroline’s friends if they would like to look at these and keep something as a keepsake of her memory. 

There are three dresses that I will keep as they marked some special occasion.  The dress Caroline wore on my 40^th birthday which coincided with Neil and Lucy’s wedding in the Grand Canyon; the dress Caroline wore to Emma Lou’s wedding in Mexico when we thought she was recovering from cancer and a red dress because she looked gorgeous in it.  Everything else will be shipped to St Peter’s Hospice to support this wonderful charity.

Actually packing the clothes was not as daunting as I had imagined.  In fact the exercise brought back some good memories.  It was a bit different when I had to put the clothes into the car.  I know it had to be done but it still a time when a very deep breath is required.  It is so final.   The lady at the hospice shop couldn’t believe her eyes when I gave her these possessions and there is plenty more to come. 

So we're all still getting on with our lives.  The kids have settled very well at Uni.  They were both home this weekend which was nice although I soon remembered how much mess the two of them can make!!!  Anyway we stay strong as a family!!