Caroline 10 Years On

 

10 years have been and gone since Caroline Louise Watson past away this day 14^th July 2012.  The most tragic event in my life.

 

Caroline was just a beautiful, loving and caring person  with a positive outlook on life.   She was always determined to succeed in whatever she done. The World is a much poorer place for me and so many others who were part of her life.

 

The last 10 years have passed by so quickly So much as changed in my life and yet so much is the same. I have been a very lucky man having a strong core of friends and family around me. They have all been wonderful to me and the kids. I have also had the good fortune to pick up some new friends up along the way.  I would like to thank you all for your patience you have shown in me and for just being there

 

Caroline was my love, my rock and my soul mate. We had the best 32 years together of anyone on the planet bar none.  We brought two great children into the World, Georgina and Joe.  They are both huge credits to Caroline and are both developing their own relationships.  Georgina married Ross last year.  Joe and Eve are going strong living in Bedminster.  I am really proud of them both as they progress on their own life journeys.

 

When I met Caroline at the age of 16 I was studying for my A levels and had a paper round. Caroline was far more sophisticated she was doing her City & Guilds in Catering and she working as a waitress in The Berni Inn at The Llandoger Trow.  Her speciality was serving the coffee liquers with cream floating at the top. My mind was blown. I had just met her at R&Js nightclub at a Student Night Disco.  It was love at first sight. She was always going to be the one.  We married  six years later on 19^th July 1986.

 

We had the best time ever and loved each other’s company.  Like most young couples we made our plans about where wanted to travel and where we would like to live.  By todays standards these plans were relatively unambitious but they were “our plans” and we wanted to live them.

 

We worked very hard, almost driven, right throughout our life together.  Caroline had a successful career in catering and even started a business with Cher called Cork and Crumbs.  My own career at Airbus took to me to unchartered levels.  I loved my job.  Working with an amazing set of people and in company doing amazing things in the national interest allowing me to utilise my own skills and build experiences  It was the best job ever.  Everyone in the Company felt as though they were 7 feet tall.  It took me all over the World.   I even had a flat in Versaille for a year.  How mad is that?  I loved it!

 

However, the success of business and myself had consequences.  I was almost ‘weekend Dad’ which was taking a bit of a strain on Caroline especially after having her cancer scare in 2005 when a melanoma appeared on her back which had to be removed surgically.  Being away all the time was not fair. 

 

Caroline and I devised a to launch the next phase of our marriage in the year of  25^th Wedding Anniversary - 2011.  We wanted to spend some time together enjoying the fruits of our hard work and determination.  We talked about a number of adventures that would take us all over the World.  At some point, when I turned 50,  I would start the conversation with Airbus about my career taking a different direction in order for me to spend more time with my family.

 

Caroline being Caroline was on it.  She booked a cruise around the Mediterranean, drive along Route 66 with the kids followed by a tour of California etc.  You get the idea.  What could go wrong?  We also received the best news ever at the start of 2010: Caroline was given the all clear from the cancer scare.  Full steam ahead.

 

At the end of 2010 we celebrated Georgina’s 18^th birthday at Bocabar in Bristol.  It was a great night.  A typical Watson night: fun, music, family and friends.  However, the days following the party Caroline was just so tired all the time and developed a recurring cough.  I lost count of the number of times that Caroline went to the GP.  It didn’t make sense.  This woman did not know how to keep still.  Cutting a really long story short at the beginning of March 2011 Caroline was told that the cancer had returned and this time it had reached further into her body – especially the liver.  I never forget the words of the Consultant:  “its all about the quality of life now…”

 

Caroline and I were dumbstruck.  We didn’t and couldn’t speak on the short drive home.  I can remember us both led in bed that night.  It was pitch black.  Our eyes wide open.  Not being able to utter a word.  We just held each other.  So much was going the through our minds, so many questions, what about the kids…?

 

The next 16 months are really a blur.  I would do anything to make Caroline happy.  Do anything. However, one by one we had to cancel the planned adventures and be a little less ambitious on our travels.  Instead of the the Far East we were in South West in Dartmouth.  Instead of Route 66 we drove to Brixham.  Even the cruise was replaced with a ferry boat around Bristol Docks on our 25^th Wedding Anniversary. 

We did manage to go to Mexico for Emmalouise's wedding.  How Caroline endured those 11 hours flights I will never know.  We did manage Spain and Tenby too which were all very uplifting.

 

Throughout this period I continued to work at Airbus but it wasn’t the place I had joined 19 years earlier.  There was a lot of change to the organisation which was piling stress on top of the stress I had at at home.  In fairness I was allowed leave to look after Caroline in her final 3 months.  During this time 7 of us rode from Bristol to Lands End raising £10k for Cancer Research.  Caroline was in the support car with Lucy.

We did have some encouragement and hope on the way.  A new drug seemed to shrink the cancer in Caroline’s liver which prolonged her life by a few months.

 

Caroline and I were determined to beat the cancer and not go down without a fight.  People might say we were in denial. Life is worth fighting for and we gave it a good go!

 

I remember Caroline’s final 24 hours vividly.  Caroline was feeling especially tired and in pain.  Her Aunty Joy had come to see her, as she did regularly.  When the Marie Curie nurse tuned up she took one look at Caroline and immediately called the ambulance and notified St Peter’s Hospice that she was her way. 

 

The ambulance turned up in a matter of minutes  The two ambulance women were so amazingly caring with Caroline. They treated her and prepared her for her final journey.  In the meantime Val, my PA, had arrived with my Airbus compromise agreement.  I signed this as Caroline was being carried into the ambulance.  Two pillars of my life were both leaving me simultaneously.

 

Joy accompanied Caroline in the ambulance.  This was important as she always needed the comfort of someone she knew being with her at all times.  I followed the ambulance behind in the car calling everyone to let them know that the ending was about to begin

 

We arrived at St Peters and Caroline was transferred to a family room which had guest beds.  Close family and the kids started to join me and Caroline

 

Caroline went into semi consciousness.  Although she couldn’t speak I knew that Caroline knew what was going on and who was there.  We held an all night vigil where no one could take their eye of the beautiful and vulnerable Caroline.  It was so hard to take in.  Georgina asked me “this is something that happens to other people.  Why is it happening to us?”

 

At 1pm July 14^th 2012 Caroline suddenly opened her eyes and stared into space.  I was completely shocked.  All I could say to her was “I love you Caroline…” which I just kept repeating.  She then closed her eyes for the last time.  There was a tear rolling from her eyes as she knew she was leaving us.

 

Her passing is still raw and the loss so great.  Tears still roll from my eyes when certain songs are played.  Mr Brightside! Sweet Child of Mine! And when did Sweet Caroline become such a phenomenon?  Its played everywhere and every time it hits me. 

 

Ten years on my life has progressed.  I have been living in Clifton for the past 7 years after moving out of the family home in Frampton Cotterell.  The change in life transition and grieving has been so much more difficult than I could ever imagine. 

 

Reflecting back, I wanted to rush the grieving process.  Once Caroline passed unbeknown to me my mind and body protected me from the shock of losing her.  The numbness gradually wore off and reality kicked in

 

It has taken me a long time to get back on track.  What I didn’t realise it was always going to take this amount of time.  And in fact grieving is never ending.  People who have lost loved ones will never come to terms with that loss.  They just deal with it – somehow.  Never judge them on how they look on the outside.  It what goes on the inside is the where the truth is buried.  I am Mr Brightside!

 

I am now in a relationship with Jo.  Jo has been amazing putting up with my ups and downs.  I am now looking forward to life with her and what it brings.  Everyone deserves to live their life.  We are planning our future together which is exciting times.  To be honest if Caroline appeared in front of me today she would just tell me to get on with it!

 

When I reflect could we have lived a different way putting more emphasis on spending quality time with family rather than working and striving for the dream.  I will never know.  Life can be a bitch sometimes.   I guess it’s a lesson that I have learned and hopefully others will benefit.

 

At this time of the year I do always reflect on the night we met Caroline in R&Js 20th November 1980.  We officially met whilst sat on the dancefloor doing the “Oops upside side your head...” routine.  Caroline was sat doing the swaying side to side thing behind me.  How romantic  However, our song wasn’t that Gap Band 80's classic.  We had a ”smooch” at quarter-two (a generational thing) to a beautiful song by Randy Crawford “One Day I Will Fly Away” which became our song.  How poignant  

 

Love you always Caroline.  You will never be forgotten

 

 

Paul x

 

 

 

 

 

Mr Brightside

The World remains a poorer place.  Today is the 3^rd Anniversary of Caroline’s passing.  Caroline’s passing is just so tragic.  A very beautiful lady who had such a zest for life, who always overcame adversity with that beautiful smile even in our darkest few days together.  I will always miss Caroline and would love even just another minute with her just to let her know “that the children are doing great, I am alright and that I miss her and love her”.  The rest of the minute would be just to hold her again.  I believe that in that minute Caroline would be telling me “I love you but now you have to get on with it!  Make sure my kids are looked after”

Caroline was never one to sit around and feel sorry for herself.  Throughout her life she has had to deal with emotional challenges and her strength of character was so resolute.  Always the one organising holidays, outings, me and the kids.  In fact I always have this feeling that Caroline is with us and still pulling the strings.

Over the past three years I have become highly sensitive to signals and events around me.  I remember many years ago on a balmy night on holiday in Spain with Cher and Rich, Caroline telling me completely out of the blue 

“When I die you need to find someone else.  You have to get on with it….”

I was just so shocked

“Why are you telling me this?  You’re not going anywhere….”

It was such a strange conversation.  A few years later hmmm!

I’m sure that Caroline is still sending me the message.  Just this weekend, whilst at “the Pride Festival” (I haven’t come out and being there is another story), two songs just stood out both of which mean so much to Caroline and me.

“I will always love you” by Whitney Houston was number 1 when Georgina was born and for that fact alone Caroline always wanted it played at her funeral.  The words are just so powerful and felt as though Caroline was talking to me.  I felt it so hard to fight back the tears.   A short while later Caroline’s favourite song played:  Mr Brightside, by the Killers.  Another very meaningful song for us both.

I will always love you - Whitney Houston

Mr Brightside - The Killers

Five years ago if I had read this passage I would have thought that the writer had lost the plot.  I’m sure it’s all just coincidence.  However, when you’ve lost someone so close you hang on to every possible moment to connect with that person.

I have reached the point now, with some spiritual encouragement, where I will try to stop re-living the past.  I am so lucky to have met the girl of my dreams, the most beautiful woman – on the inside as well as the outside – who gave me so much and made me the person I am today.  Caroline gave us two fantastic children.  My family have so many great memories which will be parcelled and carried with us wherever we go.    Caroline will never be far away pulling our strings. 

This is the final page of the “Without A Paddle” and I thank you for reading it allowing me to self-indulge on my own problems.  I will finish with a poem about Caroline written by Matthew Cotty, Georgina’s boyfriend.  Matthew has never met Caroline.

It started with a smile in an unknown place,

Then it spread like wildfire from face to face

Like a butterfly in it's effect

It changed the future like a cheap Rolex.

It was love at first sight

The kind of love they couldn't fight

The birds sang every morning,

And they would dance every night.

Spring would come twice a year,

Straight after summer would appear.

It wasn't the cat in the cradle

It was the family round the table.

He lost his hair but she didn't care,

Because that smile was still there.

It couldn't be helped, there was no one to blame.

But the reaper couldn't skip his claim.

And so it ended with that smile,

And a tear drop which started the Nile.

Love You and Miss You

Paul xxxx

World In Motion

“Life is short and the world is wide”

Caroline Florida 2007

The bus taking me along the road of life is approaching another fork.  The journey over the past 4 years has been the worst imaginable and I still can’t take in the enormity of what has happened.   What has happened in the 4 to 5 years were never in Caroline and my plans.  The ones that we had roughly mapped for our lives "once the kids have grown up and can sort themselves out".   In fact 2011 was going to be our biggest year ever:  Caroline was off the Las Vegas to celebrate Karen’s, her sister, big four zero; later that year we were then off on a breath taking Mediterranean cruise starting in Venice to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary; we were also about to book a family holiday to drive across USA along the infamous Route 66. This was just the start!

Matt, Georgina and Joe in Universal Studio

Then bang. Everything was cancelled. Insurance claims made.  Plans were torn up and thrown out of the window. Caroline and I hoped for the miracle cure. Visits to hospitals and doctors were all that we had to look forward to.  During a period of respite the family miraculously managed to getaway to Mexico to be part of Carl and Emmalouise's wedding party. We loved it and so many beautiful memories.  Then the respite ended and we were then in the hands of time and Caroline’s own determination.

Georgina and Caroline Gran Canaria

You know the rest

Now here I am.  Three years later.  I’m still standing, breathing and living.  A great deal has happened.  I have moved house, the kids have both been fantastic and Caroline would be really proud of them, working is fulfilling etc.  I’m doing alright although I wouldn’t have chosen to be here by this route. So what is next?  Which fork should I take?

Travelling springs to mind.  It’s the thing Caroline and I always enjoyed.  We had so many great holidays and adventures.  When I reflect on the great times we had holiday

Holiday with kids mates in Spain

adventures always seem to be among the stand out moments.  I will never forget celebrating my 40^thon the same day as being Neil’s best man in the Grand Canyon.  Nor will I never forget the Vodka Revolution Bar in Vegas. Then there’s the time when Richard got trampled on by a horse at the festival in St Luis, Menorca.  Oh not to forget taking the kids to Disneyland, Orlando.  The list could go on and on with every trip having a story to tell.  These are the moments that always bring a smile to my face.  In fact whenever you talk to anyone about their travels their eyes light up and they become very animated. People can’t help themselves talking about the holidays they've been on, the ones they're about to go on. The excitement of getting up in the early hours right through to arriving at the resort through the quality of the food, how hot it was (always 10 degrees hotter than what it actually was) and then journey home. Burger King in the airport was always part of travelling home ritual for the Watson holiday.

40th Birthday in Grand Canyon 2004

Then you got the real adventurists. Trekking across the Andes, climbing Kilimanjaro, sailing the seas, skiers, people who want to bungee jump.  These people have something wrong with them!  Even so it’s all just so exciting and who knows I might join them.

Looking out to the future I just need more of this kind of excitement.  I have had recent great excursions to Australia to see the British Lions and more recently to Turkey.  I have been lucky to have had some good friends who have welcomed me on holiday with them. Rich and Cher have always welcomed me with open arms. Ricey was a great companion in Australia with which I will always be grateful.   My brothers have invited me on holiday with them. 

Vodka Revolution, Las Vegas 2006

I now need to do more of this.  It's taken me a long time to get my head straight, well as straight, as it ever will be, I have been feeling unsettled for a couple of months. Being 50 was fun!  Being 51 is real. Time to get on with it.

Visiting Cuba springs to mind.  I want to see Cuba in its natural and historical beauty before Starbucks and KFC set up camp now that the US have restored ties.  Also on my list is South Africa, then there’s the Far East.  The list goes on and on.  One thing for sure is the list will never be exhausted.  I might me. 

Barcelona with Cher and Rich

The current episode of my life is nearing an end.  The feeling of guilt, the feeling to justify my actions to make myself feel better, inward looking and always wondering what was going to happen.  In the past three years I have grown in strength, in confidence and stature.  The next chapter needs to be written.   Goodness knows what it will look like and who will be playing leading role but the bus will be rumbling on.  Willing travel companions apply within.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”

Mexico 2011

This is the penultimate page of “Without A Paddle”.  The blog has been tremendously good therapy   allowing me to express my inner feelings.  The response and encouragement I have received through it has just been amazing.  The blog is nearing the end of its shelf life.  There will be one more piece which fittingly will be on the July 14th: the 3rd Anniversary of Caroline’s passing.

.

When the Curtain Comes Down

“Double pleat or treble pleat Sir?”

I look at the man as though he is landed from Mars.

“I don’t have a clue what you are talking about” I reply

“Well do you want your curtains folded like this or would you like them folded like this”

I look at him opened mouthed!  I don’t know what to say.

I have now entered on yet another new world.  The world of soft furnishings and curtains.  I just want a set of curtains.  How hard could it be?  Extremely is the answer.  Yet again there’s a whole set of new words and expressions to learn:  double pleat treble pleat, roman blinds, contemporary style, classic style, tracker rail, tie back, don’t tie back etc etc.   My brain has exploded.  I am just bamboozled.  Every day is a school day.

Needless to say new curtains are sat on the “too difficult” pile although I need to do something or I could end up with an ASBO!

Even without the curtains the new place is fantastic.  It has lived up to my expectations and I love living the city life.  Now that the good weather is on the horizon the garden looks even more inviting.  I want to make the place my own putting my own mark on my new home so am going to bring the interior up to date and especially increasing the amount of storage capacity.  I am still at the point where I cannot unpack anymore boxes and suitcases as there is literally nowhere to put anything. 

Living in Clifton and so close to Bristol city centre is great.  It is a bit odd though when I have had to nip out to the local Sainsbury to buy a few groceries and then walking past people who are on their way out to a bar or restaurant.   I always feel envious of them and can be easily swayed to nip in for some light refreshment.

There have been a few times where I have replicated the comedians Micky Flannigan’s “Out Out” sketch.  Basically I have popped “out” to the shops and ended up “out” in a bar holding on to my carrier bags of groceries.  I have managed up to now to be able to leave the bar before I am “out out out!” Micky Flanagans Out

I need to break “out” of these rituals before the dreaded weight gain occurs.  Life is starting to feel like fun and less stressful.  The new lifestyle has lifted Joe and is enjoying himself since being home from University.  Why wouldn’t he?  “Subs” from Subway are literally a stone’s throw away.

Joe and Georgina ae both doing well at University and are now in their final term of the second year.  A term that’s last all of one month £3000 please – kerr-ching!

Life goes on and the past few months have been very hectic and work has exploded.  It doesn’t help that I have this tendency to say “yes” to everything putting increasing pressure on myself  Trying to juggle everything as at times been nutz.  So a just a few weeks ago I decided to book a holiday to Olu Deniz, Turkey.  By all accounts it’s a beautiful place with a lagoon and lots of people paragliding apparently.  Just what I need!  What can go wrong?  Well when I travel quite a lot.  Rich has already told me to locate the British consulate on arrival just in case and not to go to the Syrian border.

I will be holidaying with someone else, a young lady who I have been seeing for a little while.  We have become good friends and enjoy each other’s company but more of that another time.

So the bus rumbles on.  I feel as though all the people who matter most to me are sat comfortably giving me directions when I need it.