Caroline 10 Years On

 

10 years have been and gone since Caroline Louise Watson past away this day 14^th July 2012.  The most tragic event in my life.

 

Caroline was just a beautiful, loving and caring person  with a positive outlook on life.   She was always determined to succeed in whatever she done. The World is a much poorer place for me and so many others who were part of her life.

 

The last 10 years have passed by so quickly So much as changed in my life and yet so much is the same. I have been a very lucky man having a strong core of friends and family around me. They have all been wonderful to me and the kids. I have also had the good fortune to pick up some new friends up along the way.  I would like to thank you all for your patience you have shown in me and for just being there

 

Caroline was my love, my rock and my soul mate. We had the best 32 years together of anyone on the planet bar none.  We brought two great children into the World, Georgina and Joe.  They are both huge credits to Caroline and are both developing their own relationships.  Georgina married Ross last year.  Joe and Eve are going strong living in Bedminster.  I am really proud of them both as they progress on their own life journeys.

 

When I met Caroline at the age of 16 I was studying for my A levels and had a paper round. Caroline was far more sophisticated she was doing her City & Guilds in Catering and she working as a waitress in The Berni Inn at The Llandoger Trow.  Her speciality was serving the coffee liquers with cream floating at the top. My mind was blown. I had just met her at R&Js nightclub at a Student Night Disco.  It was love at first sight. She was always going to be the one.  We married  six years later on 19^th July 1986.

 

We had the best time ever and loved each other’s company.  Like most young couples we made our plans about where wanted to travel and where we would like to live.  By todays standards these plans were relatively unambitious but they were “our plans” and we wanted to live them.

 

We worked very hard, almost driven, right throughout our life together.  Caroline had a successful career in catering and even started a business with Cher called Cork and Crumbs.  My own career at Airbus took to me to unchartered levels.  I loved my job.  Working with an amazing set of people and in company doing amazing things in the national interest allowing me to utilise my own skills and build experiences  It was the best job ever.  Everyone in the Company felt as though they were 7 feet tall.  It took me all over the World.   I even had a flat in Versaille for a year.  How mad is that?  I loved it!

 

However, the success of business and myself had consequences.  I was almost ‘weekend Dad’ which was taking a bit of a strain on Caroline especially after having her cancer scare in 2005 when a melanoma appeared on her back which had to be removed surgically.  Being away all the time was not fair. 

 

Caroline and I devised a to launch the next phase of our marriage in the year of  25^th Wedding Anniversary - 2011.  We wanted to spend some time together enjoying the fruits of our hard work and determination.  We talked about a number of adventures that would take us all over the World.  At some point, when I turned 50,  I would start the conversation with Airbus about my career taking a different direction in order for me to spend more time with my family.

 

Caroline being Caroline was on it.  She booked a cruise around the Mediterranean, drive along Route 66 with the kids followed by a tour of California etc.  You get the idea.  What could go wrong?  We also received the best news ever at the start of 2010: Caroline was given the all clear from the cancer scare.  Full steam ahead.

 

At the end of 2010 we celebrated Georgina’s 18^th birthday at Bocabar in Bristol.  It was a great night.  A typical Watson night: fun, music, family and friends.  However, the days following the party Caroline was just so tired all the time and developed a recurring cough.  I lost count of the number of times that Caroline went to the GP.  It didn’t make sense.  This woman did not know how to keep still.  Cutting a really long story short at the beginning of March 2011 Caroline was told that the cancer had returned and this time it had reached further into her body – especially the liver.  I never forget the words of the Consultant:  “its all about the quality of life now…”

 

Caroline and I were dumbstruck.  We didn’t and couldn’t speak on the short drive home.  I can remember us both led in bed that night.  It was pitch black.  Our eyes wide open.  Not being able to utter a word.  We just held each other.  So much was going the through our minds, so many questions, what about the kids…?

 

The next 16 months are really a blur.  I would do anything to make Caroline happy.  Do anything. However, one by one we had to cancel the planned adventures and be a little less ambitious on our travels.  Instead of the the Far East we were in South West in Dartmouth.  Instead of Route 66 we drove to Brixham.  Even the cruise was replaced with a ferry boat around Bristol Docks on our 25^th Wedding Anniversary. 

We did manage to go to Mexico for Emmalouise's wedding.  How Caroline endured those 11 hours flights I will never know.  We did manage Spain and Tenby too which were all very uplifting.

 

Throughout this period I continued to work at Airbus but it wasn’t the place I had joined 19 years earlier.  There was a lot of change to the organisation which was piling stress on top of the stress I had at at home.  In fairness I was allowed leave to look after Caroline in her final 3 months.  During this time 7 of us rode from Bristol to Lands End raising £10k for Cancer Research.  Caroline was in the support car with Lucy.

We did have some encouragement and hope on the way.  A new drug seemed to shrink the cancer in Caroline’s liver which prolonged her life by a few months.

 

Caroline and I were determined to beat the cancer and not go down without a fight.  People might say we were in denial. Life is worth fighting for and we gave it a good go!

 

I remember Caroline’s final 24 hours vividly.  Caroline was feeling especially tired and in pain.  Her Aunty Joy had come to see her, as she did regularly.  When the Marie Curie nurse tuned up she took one look at Caroline and immediately called the ambulance and notified St Peter’s Hospice that she was her way. 

 

The ambulance turned up in a matter of minutes  The two ambulance women were so amazingly caring with Caroline. They treated her and prepared her for her final journey.  In the meantime Val, my PA, had arrived with my Airbus compromise agreement.  I signed this as Caroline was being carried into the ambulance.  Two pillars of my life were both leaving me simultaneously.

 

Joy accompanied Caroline in the ambulance.  This was important as she always needed the comfort of someone she knew being with her at all times.  I followed the ambulance behind in the car calling everyone to let them know that the ending was about to begin

 

We arrived at St Peters and Caroline was transferred to a family room which had guest beds.  Close family and the kids started to join me and Caroline

 

Caroline went into semi consciousness.  Although she couldn’t speak I knew that Caroline knew what was going on and who was there.  We held an all night vigil where no one could take their eye of the beautiful and vulnerable Caroline.  It was so hard to take in.  Georgina asked me “this is something that happens to other people.  Why is it happening to us?”

 

At 1pm July 14^th 2012 Caroline suddenly opened her eyes and stared into space.  I was completely shocked.  All I could say to her was “I love you Caroline…” which I just kept repeating.  She then closed her eyes for the last time.  There was a tear rolling from her eyes as she knew she was leaving us.

 

Her passing is still raw and the loss so great.  Tears still roll from my eyes when certain songs are played.  Mr Brightside! Sweet Child of Mine! And when did Sweet Caroline become such a phenomenon?  Its played everywhere and every time it hits me. 

 

Ten years on my life has progressed.  I have been living in Clifton for the past 7 years after moving out of the family home in Frampton Cotterell.  The change in life transition and grieving has been so much more difficult than I could ever imagine. 

 

Reflecting back, I wanted to rush the grieving process.  Once Caroline passed unbeknown to me my mind and body protected me from the shock of losing her.  The numbness gradually wore off and reality kicked in

 

It has taken me a long time to get back on track.  What I didn’t realise it was always going to take this amount of time.  And in fact grieving is never ending.  People who have lost loved ones will never come to terms with that loss.  They just deal with it – somehow.  Never judge them on how they look on the outside.  It what goes on the inside is the where the truth is buried.  I am Mr Brightside!

 

I am now in a relationship with Jo.  Jo has been amazing putting up with my ups and downs.  I am now looking forward to life with her and what it brings.  Everyone deserves to live their life.  We are planning our future together which is exciting times.  To be honest if Caroline appeared in front of me today she would just tell me to get on with it!

 

When I reflect could we have lived a different way putting more emphasis on spending quality time with family rather than working and striving for the dream.  I will never know.  Life can be a bitch sometimes.   I guess it’s a lesson that I have learned and hopefully others will benefit.

 

At this time of the year I do always reflect on the night we met Caroline in R&Js 20th November 1980.  We officially met whilst sat on the dancefloor doing the “Oops upside side your head...” routine.  Caroline was sat doing the swaying side to side thing behind me.  How romantic  However, our song wasn’t that Gap Band 80's classic.  We had a ”smooch” at quarter-two (a generational thing) to a beautiful song by Randy Crawford “One Day I Will Fly Away” which became our song.  How poignant  

 

Love you always Caroline.  You will never be forgotten

 

 

Paul x