The Wheels on the Bus…

Since taking the right angle turn the ‘bus of life’ has been accelerating at pace.  In fact so much so I have parked up just to take stock of where we are and where we’re going. Theres a need to re-fuel and to put some air into the tyres.  In true Paul Watson fashion I have set off at a 100 mph flat out trying to solve all my issues in one go.  I so want 2014 to be the year of change.  I just don’t want to hang around anymore.  As I have said on many occasions the past three years have been so tragic.  I now want to re-build some foundations in my own life.  By the end of the year I fully expect to have moved home, changed my car, to be flowing in my work, kids to be in their second year of Uni, solved world hunger etc etc.  Then there’s possibly a new relationship.  Well we will see!  Most of all I want to be smiling and happy with my friends and family.

Moving at this pace trying to shape my future however as consequences.  And not always good.  For a start I am trying to do so much that I keep running out of time to even complete the simplest of tasks like opening the post.  Crazy!  I become very frustrated and confused.  What makes it worse is that I have no one alongside me to share the ideas with.  Even just to listen to me and nodding in the right places.  One of the reasons Caroline and I were so good together is that we could share ideas together and Caroline was always straight with me.  During our time I got the full range of answers from “yes go for it” to “you got to be joking” to “you are so stupid”.   Luckily I have had a lot of people around only too willing to provide advice and opinions when I have asked for it.   But I do miss that unspoken acceptance and re-assurance that you get when you’re in a good relationship.

I also want to make sure that all those close to me and the children are on the journey.  It’s great that I have so many new passengers on my bus all sending me messages of encouragement.  Its very overwhelming.  However, the journey can only made with those who have supported me and the kids especially over the past three years.  Emotionally you don’t want anyone wanting to get off the bus or feel they’ve been left behind.   I want everyone on the journey…

Problem with this journey there isn’t a map.  SatNav is knackered!   There is no end destination.  We don’t even know where the ups and downs are going to be.  All we know that there are going to be plenty bumps in the road.  Actually on parts of the journey there isn’t even a road built yet.

Guess I’m just in a hurry to get to the top of this hill.  Once at the top I just want to look out for miles in front of me and get a view of where I could go.  And always having the ability to look behind me and to fondly gaze into the past. Reflect! Remember! Reminisce!  But I have made my mind up.  The bus is going forward.  There is no going backwards.  So we have all stretched our legs now and its time to make ourselves comfortable for the next stage of the journey.  Make sure you all fasten your seatbelts.

“The wheels on the bus go round and round…”

Square One

Well here goes.  Feels as though I have reached first base.  Now for the next steps.  Unchartered territory.  How did I end up here?

Just a couple of months ago I had spent a lovely day with Joe in Falmouth.  I had “popped down” to Falmouth (if 180 miles can ever be considered “popped down”) to make sure Joe had settled into his Uni and that he was okay in himself.  If I am honest I was missing the kids being about the home so it was a bit therapy for me too.  Well I need not have worried.  Everything appeared to be great for him.  Joe was loving the course and his flatmates were all so friendly.  We had lunch on Falmouth harbour and stocked up on food supplies.

It was the return drive home that I started to think about me.  Georgina and Joe were both doing well and were finding their own karma.  Whereas, what and where was I going to do?  I didn’t really have any plan and the loneliness was getting me down.  Here I was sat in Exeter Service Station sipping my cappuccino with another 90 miles to go thinking

“This is crap! It’s 8 o’clock on a Saturday night.   All I’ve got to look forward to is another hour and half drive home to a dark and lonely house.  This isn’t what life is all about”

The previous week had been particularly tough.  I hadn’t seen many people and now Joe was back at University I started to feel my mind was slipping away into depression.

“No one would expect me to be depressed.  No one!  I got to sort this out”

“Sod it!  I am going to sign up on Match.com!”

That was it.  Decision made. 

Now for those who don’t know match.com is an online dating website.  Signing up to an online dating site was certainly going to be a new experience by a long way.  Never in a million year did I ever think I would be signing up to an online dating site.  Whatever happened to “our eyes met across a crowded room” stuff.  This was going to be one of the strangest things I have ever done.  In my mind there had always been a stigma attached to dating services.  And anyway you never know if you’re going to meet a complete “fruit loop”.  However, if you can’t beat them then join them!

I followed the online instructions which asked lots of questions about my personal life, completed the profile and uploaded some photos.  Pushed the submit button.  And waited.  What have I let myself into?

Wow!  All of a sudden all these smiling lovely faces appeared on my laptop screen.  Oh my god.  Well I was like a kid in a sweetshop.  Looking at photos, reading profiles trying to understand how the online site worked.  It was certainly different to what I had imagined.

It is a bit strange and you feel a bit brutal.  All these profiles appear on your screen and basically you add to your favourites the ones you like and delete the ones you don’t.   So you find yourself at your laptop: like, like, delete, delete, delete, like, like delete….  You get the idea.  You then sit back and look at the screen where there are 10 photos of lovely women looking at you from the screen.  You can’t help thinking for a moment

“Hmm!  This is how the world should look” 

How the world should look!

It is almost a form of virtual ethnic cleansing!

Now it’s not ideal. I can’t imagine any Mills and Boon novel was ever about two people whose “eyes met across a laptop”.  Not the most romantic way of meeting someone.  I don’t care.  I’m not looking for romance.  I am just want to dip my toe back into the world and feel human again.  My expectations on future relationships are clear in my mind. As I have said before I’m looking for companionship.  And anyway what was the worse that was going to happen?  I make some new friends.

At 49 where do you go to meet people?  As I said there are a lot of lonely people out there so this can only help them.  And me!  In fact I didn’t realise how many of my friends had used or were using online dating.   So off on a new pathway.  Would I meet my match?