April 14th , my
birthday, marked the 9 month anniversary of Caroline’s passing. Caroline’s passing in many ways seems like
only yesterday but at the same time so much has happened since. During this period I have tried to keep my
life moving forward. However, the pain
of my loss is still quite raw and there are days when I start stepping
backwards or morning s where I’m wrestling with the duvet, as it feels as
though there is nothing to get up for!
At least now I can remember
beyond the final days of Caroline’s life.
I can remember the good times that we had. I have tried to keep Caroline’s memory alive
as it gives me and kids great comfort knowing that she is still with us. I make no apology for this. I am now starting to enjoy myself without
feeling guilty for doing so although there is still that sense of injustice
that Caroline has been taken away from us at her prime. Its just so unfair. I still miss her so much.
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| 20th Wedding Anniversary in Dublin |
I am determined though that I
live as normal a life as possible. I don’t
know what that looks like and now reaching a point where I need to take the
next steps. Although living my life
without Caroline will be hard I have take control of my own destiny and that of
my children. My life now is unrecognizable from where I was
three years ago.
Just three years ago Caroline and
I had sketched the next phase of our life together. We had both worked really hard and raised our
family. The kids were now old enough to fend
for themselves. We had discussed what we
would do and where we would go.
Initially we would just go out for a drink or a meal together but then
as time rolled on we were dreaming of the holidays we would take. I would free up time from my career by taking
some timely step “backward” eventually becoming freelance. The future together looked so exciting. But before these plans had even got off the
ground “BANG!” You know the rest.
Now I find myself in many ways starting
again. I’m confused about which
direction I will be travelling. I’m
absolutely terrified of where my personal life may turn up. The sorts of considerations and options in
front of me are not easy for a 49-year-old single man to contemplate. What I do know is I don’t want to sit in my
house feeling lonely and sorry for myself.
Most single people would say that loneliness is the worse. Don’t get me wrong I got my kids, my family
and friends who have been terrific. But they have their own lives and cannot be
expected to be around all the time. So I
will take these issues into my own hands.
I need to carve my own pathway.
Trouble is I don’t have a map.
The most important step in any
journey is the first step. At the
beginning I will only be dipping my toe into this new world. Top of my list is to meet new people Working freelance the past 6 months has
brought me into contact with so many new and interesting people. I have found the range of people and the
diversity of business communities absolutely fascinating. Its almost like working in “Middle Earth”. Although I have not met the Hobbit yet! I
have definitely made some lasting
business relationships. Now I want to
extend this networking experience to my social life and find some companionship.
Where do people of say 45 plus go? Now I haven’t quite written myself off
yet. I still feel as I can walk into any
bar without embarrassing myself. Well
not until I start doing my dad dancing! But where do you to do something a bit more
meaningful.
I could join one of the many
singles clubs that exist in Bristol. However, the mere mention of “single
clubs” conjures up images of either Darby and Jones Club or swingers club or
worse of all both! Now to be clear I’m
sure singles clubs on the whole are good fun and legitimate serving an
important part in peoples lives. Not sure I’m ready to throw myself wholly into
such a club yet.
As I have said before in previous
blogs there are activities I want to take up to learn new skills, which will
bring me into contact with other people.
In fact one of my goals this year is to “learn to cook properly”. I have also found a wine tasting course that
looks good fun. Not only does the
session lasts from 10:30am to 4pm, I should be able to differentiate one wine
from the other by its taste and not only by its colour, as I do now. Sounds very appealing. Wine Tasting. I guess that there will be a range of
activities and events that I will get involved in. What the next steps are after these I have
absolutely no idea.
There are going to be so many
different twists and turns along this road its certainly going to be scary and
adventurous. I never ever wanted or
thought I would be at this place but given that I am then lets make the most of
it. I’m sure Caroline will be smiling
when she sees me at a “cookery course”!
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