“Dad we are getting on. But we will never move on will we?”
I know exactly what Georgina
means. I always hesitate to use the
phrase “moving on”. It sounds as though we’re
going somewhere and leaving Caroline behind, which is so far from the
truth. We do however need to “move on”
as a family. We need to “move on” from the
sorrow and the sadness. There is no
question we will always remember the great times we had together as a family
and Caroline will always be a big part of our lives. Of course there will be constant reminders of
those times. But at the same time we
still have to lead a life and find a pathway to happiness. Caroline told me some time ago, way before
the diagnosis, that if anything happened to her then I had to do what ever it
took to be happy – whatever that might be!
At the time I stopped her. I
didn’t want to have such a morose conversation and certainly didn’t want to
think about the “unthinkable”. Now the “unthinkable”
has happened.
For the past year we have paid
our respects and grieving for our loss.
Now is the time we take some steps forward. I have been giving some thought about what
the future look likes but it’s far too complex to imagine. There are so many factors to take into
consideration. When you’re young and starting
out you may not have much money nor experience but you have more of a blank
sheet and freedom to decide. When you’re
49 years old with two kids the future is much more blurred.
The biggest single factor to
consider is what to do about the house.
Our family home. It’s so full of
happy memories. The place which Caroline
and I brought our family up. The area
where the kids have made friends and had their education However, the issue is
its “ours”. Not mine. Its mine and Caroline’s house. Plus the kids will both be off to university
in September (fingers crossed in a nice way) so I will be rattling around the
house on my own.
I have discussed with so many
people who found themselves in similar predicaments about what they did or wish
they had done. Most have suggested I
should sell up and move somewhere else.
I have now reached the point that I am 80% sure I will end up selling
the house.
I haven’t made the absolute
decision yet but I will start preparing as though I am selling. The major hurdle to overcome before even
thinking of moving is to downsize the amount of stuff we have in the
house. Like most household you collect
stuff that you thought was a good idea at the time. Bikes that have never been ridden; drumsets
that haven’t been played for five years; a unused socket set that was bought
because someone thought that every man should have one yet its never been open
(a long story)! We all want to hang on
to the past in so many different forms:
photographs, christening gowns, unread books, clothes that will never
fit again etc etc. It’s going to take a
lot of effort to work out what to do with it all of this stuff: what to chuck,
what to keep, where to keep it? I have a
cunning plan.
Joe and I had a little father to
son chat just last week. The main thrust
was the renegotiation of Joe’s terms with Bank of Dad. You know the one. “Your 18 next week… its about time you got a
part time job… become bit more self sufficient… why haven’t you taken your
driving test after I’ve paid a fortune for the lessons… the future… university”. You get the picture. I’m not sure how much actually registered
with Joe J). As
part of the deal though Joe now has the sole rights up to sell the mass of hoarded
stuff in the garage. Joe can keep
everything he earns and in recognition that he’s doing me a big favour and
saving me money he will get a 50% incentive payment. However, we have to agree what goes and what
stays. If Joe sells my bike he’s in big
trouble. Can’t do fairer than that. The
rest is down to Joe.
The next step will be to invite a
couple of estate agents around to value the house and suggest any ways to
maximize the price. From there I can
start to think about the sort of home and location I can afford. Obviously I will still need to cater for the
kids for when they come back from Uni.
Although I have JOKINGLY said I would move after they start Uni and not
tell them where I have gone. JOKE!
This is the first small step
along the new journey. Where it ends up
no-one knows, but… We will all be “moving on:!
All of us!
I know exactly what Georgina
means. I always hesitate to use the
phrase “moving on”. It sounds as though we’re
going somewhere and leaving Caroline behind, which is so far from the
truth. We do however need to “move on”
as a family. We need to “move on” from the
sorrow and the sadness. There is no
question we will always remember the great times we had together as a family
and Caroline will always be a big part of our lives. Of course there will be constant reminders of
those times. But at the same time we
still have to lead a life and find a pathway to happiness. Caroline told me some time ago, way before
the diagnosis, that if anything happened to her then I had to do what ever it
took to be happy – whatever that might be!
At the time I stopped her. I
didn’t want to have such a morose conversation and certainly didn’t want to
think about the “unthinkable”. Now the “unthinkable”
has happened. 
During the week commencing the 5th
August I will be completing the final bike ride of three major cycle treks that
I set out to do at the beginning of the year.
The third ride is across the isles of the Outer Hebrides with my brother
Andrew. Fair play to Andrew he has made
all the arrangements. He has even
arranged my return flights to Glasgow and organized for my bike to be stowed in
the hull. The ride is fairly flat along
some beautiful scenery. It will also be
great to spend a week with my nephew Harry who will be supporting us in a
camper van, driven by Claire. The
biggest hazard is going to be dealing with the swarms of midges. Oh!
And getting me and my bike to Bristol Airport for 6:45am flight the
weekend after celebrating Joe’s 18th birthday
On the following Sunday Joe’s
uncle Wayne, has organized go-karting for a combination of the oldies and the
young bucks that are Joes mates.
Although everyone will be out to have fun I can’t help but think that
there will be a lot of competitive edge to it.
Watch this space! http://www.westcountrykarting.co.uk
Last week even though I was down
under I was on top of the world. I was
in Sydney having just spent the night celebrating the British Lions defeat the
Australians with 35,000 other Brits (and Irish). I had just spent three weeks in the most incredible
country with really friendly and down to earth people. I was wandering along some of the most
beautiful beaches in the world and snorkeling in one of the planets greatest
natural phenomenon, the Great Barrier Reef.
Today the contrast could not be starker.
Today is the anniversary of Caroline passing away.
I have been thinking of this day
for some time. The “event” days
(birthdays, anniversaries etc.) alert the emotional sensors which become
more and more heightened. Memories of my
time with Caroline come to the fore.
Thrown into the mix are the thoughts of injustice and how wrong that
Caroline has been taken from us. There
is no one who deserved to enjoy the fruits of their hard work and commitment to
her family more than Caroline. As a
family unit we felt as though we were formidable and invincible.
When I reflect on the past 12
months there has been some really good things that have happened but I’m left so
frustrated and empty by them. Caroline would
have enjoyed the winning of the lottery, the kids doing so well in their exams,
Joe singing all night long, tour of Australia and so on and so on. I can only deal with Caroline not being sat beside
me by believing that she is ‘up there somewhere’ actually pulling the strings
and making these good things happen for us.
Caroline was such a tremendously
good person. Caroline held such high
standards and strong traditional core values that we all yearn and talk
about. Caroline lived them. I used to tease Caroline that at times she
was a like a character out of an Enid Blyton novel. The kids and I are were lucky to have the
benefits of great home cooking, we always sat around the table for our meals, and
the home was a fun and loving place to be.
Now I tell the kids that they should aim for their mum’s standards but
never be too hard on themselves if they don’t attain them. I could never judge anyone by her standards,
as we would all fail. 
I am grateful though that
Caroline is no longer suffering.
Caroline was such a martyr throughout her illness. Caroline never bowed to cancer. Caroline always put a brave face on and gave
us that beautiful smile. I really look
back with great fondness the last three months I spent with Caroline. We did as much as we possibly could in that
time especially as I was on compassionate leave from work. We had weekends away, Caroline taught me how
to cook (just allowing me in her kitchen must have been painful enough for her) and we did
a ‘cream tea tour’ of Bristol. In fact
the number of cream teas that we got through would have contributed to my gall stone problem later
in the year. If that is the case then it
was a price worth paying. The period for
me re-defined the meaning of love. 
16 -
41. The Lions have crushed the Wallabies by a margin that very few were
predicting before the game. Those Lions players who played during the 3 test
series will be legends for eternity and beyond.
The big decision to drop Brian O'Driscoll for the third test, which
upset so many of the Irish contingent, paid off for the coach Warren Gatlin.
The tour ended in perfect style and allowed the Lions to really enjoy the last
20 minutes as try after try was scored. Leigh Halfpenny was rightly awarded the
player of the series. 
At
the final whistle the stadium erupted to a crescendo of noise. The scenes after the game will live in my memory forever. The sense of relief was
palpable especially as the Aussies had pulled right back to within three points
just after half time and all we could think is 'here we go again'. The magnificent
ANZ Stadium was bouncing as everyone was singing “Delilah” and"Wonderwall". The players showed their appreciation for the
magnificent sea of red that had followed the team around Australia and some
even further a field from Hong Kong.
History had just been made. Ricey and I were there to see it!
Throughout
the week you could feel the Aussies growing in confidence. All week they had been wishing us “good luck but
not on Saturday” and telling us that we would be crying into our scarves – in
the nicest possible way. Thank goodness
we beat them – it would have been unbearable.
In fairness the Aussies have been absolutely magnanimous in defeat. On
countless occasions we have been stopped in the street to be congratulated on
our victory and wanting to discuss the game.
Real sportsmanship! I've told them not to be too downhearted as at least
they have the Ashes cricket to look forward to! 