Never Say Goodbye

“Dad we are getting on.  But we will never move on will we?”

I know exactly what Georgina means.  I always hesitate to use the phrase “moving on”.  It sounds as though we’re going somewhere and leaving Caroline behind, which is so far from the truth.  We do however need to “move on” as a family.  We need to “move on” from the sorrow and the sadness.  There is no question we will always remember the great times we had together as a family and Caroline will always be a big part of our lives.  Of course there will be constant reminders of those times.  But at the same time we still have to lead a life and find a pathway to happiness.  Caroline told me some time ago, way before the diagnosis, that if anything happened to her then I had to do what ever it took to be happy – whatever that might be!  At the time I stopped her.  I didn’t want to have such a morose conversation and certainly didn’t want to think about the “unthinkable”.  Now the “unthinkable” has happened.

For the past year we have paid our respects and grieving for our loss.  Now is the time we take some steps forward.  I have been giving some thought about what the future look likes but it’s far too complex to imagine.  There are so many factors to take into consideration.  When you’re young and starting out you may not have much money nor experience but you have more of a blank sheet and freedom to decide.  When you’re 49 years old with two kids the future is much more blurred.

The biggest single factor to consider is what to do about the house.  Our family home.  It’s so full of happy memories.  The place which Caroline and I brought our family up.  The area where the kids have made friends and had their education However, the issue is its “ours”.  Not mine.  Its mine and Caroline’s house.  Plus the kids will both be off to university in September (fingers crossed in a nice way) so I will be rattling around the house on my own.  

I have discussed with so many people who found themselves in similar predicaments about what they did or wish they had done.  Most have suggested I should sell up and move somewhere else.  I have now reached the point that I am 80% sure I will end up selling the house.

I haven’t made the absolute decision yet but I will start preparing as though I am selling.   The major hurdle to overcome before even thinking of moving is to downsize the amount of stuff we have in the house.  Like most household you collect stuff that you thought was a good idea at the time.  Bikes that have never been ridden; drumsets that haven’t been played for five years; a unused socket set that was bought because someone thought that every man should have one yet its never been open (a long story)!  We all want to hang on to the past in so many different forms:  photographs, christening gowns, unread books, clothes that will never fit again etc etc.  It’s going to take a lot of effort to work out what to do with it all of this stuff: what to chuck, what to keep, where to keep it?  I have a cunning plan.

Joe and I had a little father to son chat just last week.  The main thrust was the renegotiation of Joe’s terms with Bank of Dad.   You know the one.  “Your 18 next week… its about time you got a part time job… become bit more self sufficient… why haven’t you taken your driving test after I’ve paid a fortune for the lessons… the future… university”.  You get the picture.  I’m not sure how much actually registered with Joe J).  As part of the deal though Joe now has the sole rights up to sell the mass of hoarded stuff in the garage.  Joe can keep everything he earns and in recognition that he’s doing me a big favour and saving me money he will get a 50% incentive payment.  However, we have to agree what goes and what stays.  If Joe sells my bike he’s in big trouble. Can’t do fairer than that.  The rest is down to Joe.

The next step will be to invite a couple of estate agents around to value the house and suggest any ways to maximize the price.  From there I can start to think about the sort of home and location I can afford.  Obviously I will still need to cater for the kids for when they come back from Uni.  Although I have JOKINGLY said I would move after they start Uni and not tell them where I have gone.  JOKE!

This is the first small step along the new journey.  Where it ends up no-one knows, but… We will all be “moving on:!  All of us!