14th July 2013
Last week even though I was down
under I was on top of the world. I was
in Sydney having just spent the night celebrating the British Lions defeat the
Australians with 35,000 other Brits (and Irish). I had just spent three weeks in the most incredible
country with really friendly and down to earth people. I was wandering along some of the most
beautiful beaches in the world and snorkeling in one of the planets greatest
natural phenomenon, the Great Barrier Reef.
Today the contrast could not be starker.
Today is the anniversary of Caroline passing away.
I have been thinking of this day
for some time. The “event” days
(birthdays, anniversaries etc.) alert the emotional sensors which become
more and more heightened. Memories of my
time with Caroline come to the fore.
Thrown into the mix are the thoughts of injustice and how wrong that
Caroline has been taken from us. There
is no one who deserved to enjoy the fruits of their hard work and commitment to
her family more than Caroline. As a
family unit we felt as though we were formidable and invincible.
Today the memories have flooded
back. The knot in my stomach is twisting
tighter and tighter. What I would give
to spend one more day, one more hour or even one more minute with
Caroline. Just to tell her how much I
love her and how much we miss her. Just
to see that wonderful radiant smile again.
Just to take that opportunity to reminisce. Talk about the great times and the not so
great times that we have had to deal with.
Talk about our hopes and dreams and what the future held for us. Just to be able to hold each other
again. It’s not asking much. Its what couples do every day.
When I reflect on the past 12
months there has been some really good things that have happened but I’m left so
frustrated and empty by them. Caroline would
have enjoyed the winning of the lottery, the kids doing so well in their exams,
Joe singing all night long, tour of Australia and so on and so on. I can only deal with Caroline not being sat beside
me by believing that she is ‘up there somewhere’ actually pulling the strings
and making these good things happen for us.
Caroline was such a tremendously
good person. Caroline held such high
standards and strong traditional core values that we all yearn and talk
about. Caroline lived them. I used to tease Caroline that at times she
was a like a character out of an Enid Blyton novel. The kids and I are were lucky to have the
benefits of great home cooking, we always sat around the table for our meals, and
the home was a fun and loving place to be.
Now I tell the kids that they should aim for their mum’s standards but
never be too hard on themselves if they don’t attain them. I could never judge anyone by her standards,
as we would all fail. 
I am grateful though that
Caroline is no longer suffering.
Caroline was such a martyr throughout her illness. Caroline never bowed to cancer. Caroline always put a brave face on and gave
us that beautiful smile. I really look
back with great fondness the last three months I spent with Caroline. We did as much as we possibly could in that
time especially as I was on compassionate leave from work. We had weekends away, Caroline taught me how
to cook (just allowing me in her kitchen must have been painful enough for her) and we did
a ‘cream tea tour’ of Bristol. In fact
the number of cream teas that we got through would have contributed to my gall stone problem later
in the year. If that is the case then it
was a price worth paying. The period for
me re-defined the meaning of love.
I will be visiting the cemetery
today and pay my respects by laying a beautiful bouquet on the headstone. Apart from this I’m not sure what I will
do. Just want to sit back and reflect on the 32
years I spent with Caroline. In fact it is our wedding anniversary next week on the 19th
Tomorrow is another day. The healing process continues. The kids and I, with the loving support of friends and family, have managed to get through to the first anniversary of this tragic event. People tell me that the first year is the hardest. We will see. The kids and I will look forward to the future. This is never going to be
easy and in many ways daunting. However,
whatever steps we take Caroline will be up there guiding us on our quest.
RIP
My English Rose
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