I have a very uneasy feeling. For the first time in a very very long time I feel very calm, self-assured and in control of my emotions. Not that long ago the smallest thought or reminder of Caroline brought back painful memories. I also had the feeling of being alone. At one point I thought I was slipping into depression. Now I have this feeling of calm. It seems so strange. So alien.
I guess there are a number of reasons that have brought me to this place. Firstly, when I reflect on the way I looked after Caroline when she needed me most. I could not have done anymore. I did everything possible to make her life as comfortable as possible. The period for me re-defined the meaning of love. I have gained a great deal of self-confidence from this period.
In the aftermath the steps that I have taken to keep my family FED. My kids have always been brought up on Caroline’s home cooking and meals at routine times. Therefore, I knew that learning to cook was a priority. Caroline taught me. The kids became my harshest critics. Even so my simple cooking skills kept the routines going and meant that the household kept moving.
The fact the kids have settled into university life so well has reduced my stress levels. For any kid moving away from home is a big step. Georgina seems to have settled well and is really loving her new course. As for Joe. He’s loving his Film course and has a great set of friends. If anyone needs cheering up then look at Joe’s photos on his Facebook page. I didn’t think anyone could get into trouble with Pringles tubes!!
Over the past couple of weeks I have received some good feedback on the way I have been performing from my clients. Recognition is always good. Considering I’m quite new to this freelancing way of life I’m quite pleased with myself.
Additionally I have taken steps to move my life on. Don’t forget my definition of “moving on”. Moving on from the pain and the grieving not moving on from Caroline. Started to downsize the house, started to look at new house. I may wait until after Christmas before moving. Too much to do. By joining Spice I am now broadening my social network.
So I guess for the first time in a long time things are coming together. Still miss Caroline not being around. Getting fed up with my own company. Large parts of my life will never be the same. But spiritually and physically I seem to be moving on up. I feel that I am on some sort of flight path and taking off. The wheels have just left the runway. I expect that there will be some turbulence along the way. It is all a bit strange. I hope it lasts
PS Just had my first test of my new found calm. Just got another 3 points for speeding and am now up to 9. Uh oh!
I guess there are a number of reasons that have brought me to this place. Firstly, when I reflect on the way I looked after Caroline when she needed me most. I could not have done anymore. I did everything possible to make her life as comfortable as possible. The period for me re-defined the meaning of love. I have gained a great deal of self-confidence from this period.
Actually packing the clothes was not as daunting as I had
imagined. In fact the exercise brought
back some good memories. It was a bit
different when I had to put the clothes into the car. I know it had to be done but it still a time when a very deep breath is required. It is so
final. The lady at the hospice shop couldn’t
believe her eyes when I gave her these possessions and there is plenty more to
come. 
The big step will be dealing with
Caroline’s clothes which are still in the wardrobes. Its bite the bullet time. It will definitely be emotional. I will
ask Caroline’s friends and family if they would like anything in her memory. Anything remaining will be given to the very worthy
cause St Peter’s Hospice. I’m sure there
will be some deep intakes of breath and a few tears when packing this up.
What has
happened since is quite incredible.
Interest in “Without A Paddle” has exploded beyond belief. People tell me that they look forward to
reading it every Monday; women have thanked me for the meal planner as they no
longer have to think what to cook for the kids and actually helps them budget
the grocery bill; people have emailed me about how they have similar feelings especially
on the issue of loneliness. The blog
allows people to gain an insight into how an ordinary bloke deals with such an
appalling situation. Effectively it
allows people to ‘read my mind’. It’s heartening to look back in black and
white at what we have achieved and how far we have come. Despite all this we still miss our
leader. There will always be the empty
chair at dinner. There will always be a
sense of injustice.
