There's A Kind Of Hush

I have a very uneasy feeling.  For the first time in a very very long time I feel very calm, self-assured and in control of my emotions. Not that long ago the smallest thought or reminder of Caroline brought back painful memories. I also had the feeling of being alone.  At one point I thought I was slipping into depression.  Now I have this feeling of calm.  It seems so strange.  So alien.

I guess there are a number of reasons that have brought me to this place.  Firstly, when I reflect on the way I looked after Caroline when she needed me most.  I could not have done anymore.  I did everything possible to make her life as comfortable as possible.  The period for me re-defined the meaning of love.  I have gained a great deal of self-confidence from this period.

In the aftermath the steps that I have taken to keep my family FED.  My kids have always been brought up on Caroline’s home cooking and meals at routine times. Therefore, I knew that learning to cook was a priority. Caroline taught me.  The kids became my harshest critics. Even so my simple cooking skills kept the routines going and meant that the household kept moving.

The fact the kids have settled into university life so well has reduced my stress levels.  For any kid moving away from home is a big step.  Georgina seems to have settled well and is really loving her new course.  As for Joe.  He’s loving his Film course and has a great set of friends.  If anyone needs cheering up then look at Joe’s photos on his Facebook page.  I didn’t think anyone could get into trouble with Pringles tubes!!

Over the past couple of weeks I have received some good feedback on the way I have been performing from my clients. Recognition is always good.  Considering I’m quite new to this freelancing way of life I’m quite pleased with myself. 

Additionally I have taken steps to move my life on.  Don’t forget my definition of “moving on”.  Moving on from the pain and the grieving not moving on from Caroline.  Started to downsize the house, started to look at new house.  I may wait until after Christmas before moving.  Too much to do.  By joining  Spice I am now broadening my social network.

So I guess for the first time in a long time things are coming together.  Still miss Caroline not being around.  Getting fed up with my own company. Large parts of my life will never be the same.  But spiritually and physically I seem to be moving on up.  I feel that I am on some sort of flight path and taking off.  The wheels have just left the runway.  I expect that there will be some turbulence along the way. It is all a bit strange.  I hope it lasts

PS  Just had my first test of my new found calm.  Just got another 3 points for speeding and am now up to 9.  Uh oh!