Don't Look Back In Anger

Following on from last week’s blog I have still got that feeling of calmness which still sits with me in an uneasy way.  It feels as though something big is going to happen to me but I’m not sure what it is.  I’m hoping that whatever it is its going to be good.  Don’t get me wrong most things are good, moving in the right direction and I’m becoming more and more positive about the future.  It’s just an unusual feeling.  In fairness the past three years have not been great so perhaps by defensive guards are stopping me from getting excited and carried away.

Perhaps my mind is just preoccupied with the here and now.  There is so much going on:   finally getting my head around moving home which will now happen after Christmas; lots of work to do with my client which is keeping me very busy; booking activities with my new found fraternity that is the Spice club; most importantly the health and wellbeing of my parents.

Clearly there is a new spring in my step and broad smile – well most of the time.  If anyone is staring at me whilst I am in my house they will think I am bonkers: dancing and singing whilst playing my music loudly; talking to myself – and even answering back,  I haven’t quite starting sticking Pringles tubes to the ceiling yet! 

When I compare and contrast my state of mind now with this time last year there’s a vast difference. Yes there is still a sense of injustice and the thoughts of ‘what might have been’.  However, the feelings of numbness and emptiness are now replaced by self-assurance and a forward looking outlook; anger and frustration have been tempered and replaced with great memories and anecdotes.  I also got these feelings when I met the ladies from my St Peter’s Hospice for lunch.  It was so clear to me that they too were much more positive about the future and that all of them are moving on with their lives albeit in different ways following bereavement of close ones.  Well done ladies.

The second year after bereavement is much different to the first.  You have experienced those dreaded anniversaries and held onto those traditions that meant and still mean so much.  At some point though you do have to accept that something tragic has happened and life will never be the same and in fact be quite different.  I am going to embrace this change and adapt to my new found circumstances.  So we’re now shaping up to a new life and a new normality.  Looking forward to the future but never forgetting the past.