The world remains a poorer
place. Today, the 14th July,
is the second anniversary of my beautiful wife Caroline’s passing. Some people tell me it will get easier with
time. Those people cannot have lost
anyone who is close to them.
There is hardly a moment that
goes by when I don’t think of Caroline. Caroline
was truly my soul mate and one of the best people anyone could have met. Beautiful, caring, fun loving,
un-complicated, honest, thoughtful, a great mother, the perfect wife, I could
go on and on. I was just the lucky man
who married her. The girl of my
dreams.
I have still not reached that
state of mind where I can celebrate her life.
For me I still feel resentful that Caroline has been taken from me, us,
too soon. At the prime of her life. The fact that her life was curtailed in such
a cruel and horrible manner has scarred me emotionally. Watching someone I love so much deteriorate
in front of my very eyes and feeling so helpless was and is so painful. I would have done anything to stop Caroline’s
demise. I did everything I could to make
Caroline’s life as comfortable as possible in her final days. The whole episode in our lives as re-defined “love”.
I still remember Caroline’s final
day vividly. Caroline had been so courageous
and brave throughout her battle with cancer.
I still remember Caroline whispering her final words of “I love you” and
then a few short hours later she passed away with a tear in her eye. The moment is still very raw.
Equally, I can remember the time
that we first met. I was 16, Caroline had just turned 17. I’m sure we are the only couple that met sat
on the floor in a nightclub, Caroline directly behind me, swaying side to side
and forward and back to the song “Oops
upside your head” by The Gap Band. I
remember telling Caroline an awful joke which had the punch line “Its ok I will
follow behind on my Honda”, a kiss and the rest is history.
Our life together was so much
fun. We were two kids who grew up together. I look back at the all the good times we had
together with our friends and what we achieved together. Our lasting legacy are the two great children
both of whom are inspired by their mother.
I often think what our life would
be like now especially with my work life having much more flexibility. Caroline would be in her element. Believe me the local economies of Cardiff and
Cheltenham would definitely have prospered! We had already sketched out what we were going
to do, where we were going to go now that we were both past 50. We were just
hard working people who had brought up their children and just wanted to enjoy
the fruits of our labour. Now that has
been taken away from both of us. Now my life
has been disrupted by the affects of cancer.
It feels that everything I do now is has a results of that dreadful
disease.
So what next? If I give up then cancer has won. From the time Caroline was diagnosed she never
gave up hope and never bowed to cancer.
I have never seen anyone so determined to fight the onslaught of this
dreadful disease as Caroline. The way she fought and kept going should be an
inspiration to all of us. In any case
Caroline wouldn’t want me to or anybody else to dwell on the past.
I will spend the 14th
July quietly reflecting on my time with Caroline, looking through a few the
photographs and taking flowers to her headstone. On July 15th I will pick myself up
again, dust myself down and put that first foot forward.
Now that you’ve read this far I
will ask all of you to give your partner an extra hug, the kids a cuddle and to
raise a glass in memory of Caroline, my English Rose.
Today is another day. My thoughts now turn to the future. My journey is starting to become clearer as the
fog which has clouded my view for the past three years is starting to
lift. I have a better feel about the
direction of travel. I still got a lot
of energy and there’s a life to be lived.
In a strange way the emotions of last week helped bring things into
perspective.
However, I needed to go through
last week. I have been pushing myself
hard over the past year. Trying to
plough a furrow in terms of work, trying to find new relationships and to sell
my house. Fronting up on so many occasions
takes a lot of energy and can become wearing when it doesn’t always come off. I felt the need to push hard by the need to
put food on the table – I had to earn some money. Some of it was about the need to prove to
myself I could do it – whatever “it” is.
There was part of me felt that everything had to be sorted by the time I
was 50. Absolutely nuts! Two months past 50 I feel great, I have great
friends and family plus the Saga book hasn’t tuned up yet. Actually someone told me the other day that
at 50 you don’t feel much different just you become less inhibited. Oh dear!
Could be interesting. 
My head has been full with stuff
over the past three years with all kind of emotional stuff it was hard to make
decisions and to deal with even the most simple of activities. Although not fully free of the emotional
stuff the mist is lifting and I now feel much more able to make decisions. I also feel much more at ease with
myself. I’m comfortable in my own
skin. 
