One Day I Will Fly Away

The world remains a poorer place.  Today, the 14^th July, is the second anniversary of my beautiful wife Caroline’s passing.  Some people tell me it will get easier with time.  Those people cannot have lost anyone who is close to them.

There is hardly a moment that goes by when I don’t think of Caroline.  Caroline was truly my soul mate and one of the best people anyone could have met.  Beautiful, caring, fun loving, un-complicated, honest, thoughtful, a great mother, the perfect wife, I could go on and on.  I was just the lucky man who married her.  The girl of my dreams. 

I have still not reached that state of mind where I can celebrate her life.  For me I still feel resentful that Caroline has been taken from me, us, too soon.  At the prime of her life.  The fact that her life was curtailed in such a cruel and horrible manner has scarred me emotionally.  Watching someone I love so much deteriorate in front of my very eyes and feeling so helpless was and is so painful.  I would have done anything to stop Caroline’s demise.  I did everything I could to make Caroline’s life as comfortable as possible in her final days.  The whole episode in our lives as re-defined “love”.

I still remember Caroline’s final day vividly.  Caroline had been so courageous and brave throughout her battle with cancer.  I still remember Caroline whispering her final words of “I love you” and then a few short hours later she passed away with a tear in her eye.  The moment is still very raw.

Equally, I can remember the time that we first met. I was 16, Caroline had just turned 17.  I’m sure we are the only couple that met sat on the floor in a nightclub, Caroline directly behind me, swaying side to side and forward and back to  the song “Oops upside your head” by The Gap Band.  I remember telling Caroline an awful joke which had the punch line “Its ok I will follow behind on my Honda”, a kiss and the rest is history.

Our life together was so much fun.  We were two kids who grew up together.  I look back at the all the good times we had together with our friends and what we achieved together.  Our lasting legacy are the two great children both of whom are inspired by their mother.

I often think what our life would be like now especially with my work life having much more flexibility.  Caroline would be in her element.  Believe me the local economies of Cardiff and Cheltenham would definitely have prospered!  We had already sketched out what we were going to do, where we were going to go now that we were both past 50. We were just hard working people who had brought up their children and just wanted to enjoy the fruits of our labour.  Now that has been taken away from both of us.  Now my life has been disrupted by the affects of cancer.  It feels that everything I do now is has a results of that dreadful disease. 

So what next?  If I give up then cancer has won.  From the time Caroline was diagnosed she never gave up hope and never bowed to cancer.  I have never seen anyone so determined to fight the onslaught of this dreadful disease as Caroline. The way she fought and kept going should be an inspiration to all of us.  In any case Caroline wouldn’t want me to or anybody else to dwell on the past.

I will spend the 14^th July quietly reflecting on my time with Caroline, looking through a few the photographs and taking flowers to her headstone.  On July 15^th I will pick myself up again, dust myself down and put that first foot forward.

Our song that always lived with us both from that very first night is not the wacky Gap Band tune but the beautiful "One Day I Will Fly Away" by Randy Crawford.

Now that you’ve read this far I will ask all of you to give your partner an extra hug, the kids a cuddle and to raise a glass in memory of Caroline, my English Rose.