Reach for the Stars

Today is another day.  My thoughts now turn to the future.  My journey is starting to become clearer as the fog which has clouded my view for the past three years is starting to lift.  I have a better feel about the direction of travel.  I still got a lot of energy and there’s a life to be lived.  In a strange way the emotions of last week helped bring things into perspective.

What a week!  Monday was the second anniversary of Caroline’s passing and Saturday our 28^th Wedding Anniversary.  It was by far the toughest week over the past two weeks.  At times I felt totally drained.  The support I received during the week has been completely overwhelming and is great to know so many people are wishing me and the kids well.  Also good to know that memories of Caroline are still firmly in your minds.

However, I needed to go through last week.  I have been pushing myself hard over the past year.  Trying to plough a furrow in terms of work, trying to find new relationships and to sell my house.  Fronting up on so many occasions takes a lot of energy and can become wearing when it doesn’t always come off.  I felt the need to push hard by the need to put food on the table – I had to earn some money.  Some of it was about the need to prove to myself I could do it – whatever “it” is.  There was part of me felt that everything had to be sorted by the time I was 50.   Absolutely nuts!  Two months past 50 I feel great, I have great friends and family plus the Saga book hasn’t tuned up yet.  Actually someone told me the other day that at 50 you don’t feel much different just you become less inhibited.  Oh dear!  Could be interesting.

My head has been full with stuff over the past three years with all kind of emotional stuff it was hard to make decisions and to deal with even the most simple of activities.  Although not fully free of the emotional stuff the mist is lifting and I now feel much more able to make decisions.  I also feel much more at ease with myself.  I’m comfortable in my own skin. 

I now find myself in a very bizarre position.  No-one would want to have lost someone close to them.  It is truly the worse experience anyone could ever go through.  However, I can only take the next step from where I stand.  I have a chance to try new things, meet new people, explore new places etc.  So I have decided to give myself some space, be the master of my own destiny and see where I end up. I will continue working for myself although in a slightly different direction which is very exciting.  I’m sure everything will fall into place over the next year.  If it doesn’t then I’m sure I will have learned a lot.  In fact the stars are on my side.

Apparently Jupiter moves into Aries sunny sector amping up my starpower—and my firepower.  Forget fifteen minutes of fame. Apparently, I have thirteen months of it! For some this could mean moving to a metropolis across the world, or traveling more often to showcase your talents.  It must be true!  What can go wrong?  Showtime!

On a more earthly note the kids and I have had a chat about the next few months.  Joe is 19 in a couple of weeks so we've worked out how we’re going to celebrate.  A combination of Yo Sushi and Alton Towers – not on the same day.  Even discussed our options around Xmas and New Year.  How organised am I?  Caroline wold be absolutely astonished.  A little bit more research to be done.  We may even squeeze a week away somewhere hot in the next few weeks.

Before all of this I will be going somewhere where it’s not renowned for warmth. Especially if you’re English. Scotland!    Really looking forward to seeing my brother Andrew and nephew Harry up in Aberdeen.

So watch this space.  Lots to look forward over the coming weeks, months, even the next 13 months.