What Christmas Means To Me

Joe paddling out of Lock Keeper Christmas Eve 2013

There’s definitely been an upswing in mood in the past few weeks.  In previous weeks the mood had been numb and indifferent. Now my mood is much lighter and actually I enjoyed Christmas. There is no doubt that Caroline was missed especially as she absolutely loved Christmas. However, Caroline will always have a lasting influence over us. For example the kids and I could never imagine eating someone else’s Christmas pudding.  Georgina jokingly said “we would be struck down if we did”.

We all enjoyed Christmas.  The build-up was ok although I will never enjoy Christmas shopping; Georgina, “assisted” by Joe did a great job decorating the house; all the presents were bought and wrapped although I have managed to lose two of them; we had to leave the Lockeeper Inn early on Christmas Eve to rescue our cars from flooding; Christmas lunch around the Badminton Arms was good.  This year‘s Christmas was definitely not up to Caroline organisational excellence and quality but the main point is we did it.  The kids and I have our own sense of achievement and Caroline wold be proud of us.

The upswing has been brought about by the positive steps we as a family have been taking:  dealing with Christmas, putting the house up for sale, meeting new people and doing new activities have all contributed.  There now is a feeling of acceptance that life will now be different and that actually we are allowed to enjoy ourselves.  I have been given a lot of thought of t what the future may look like.  As someone on Facebook told me “onwards and upwards”.  Various parts of my life are starting to fit into place although some parts are more mature than others. 

New Year's Eve 2006-7

There is still lots to look forward to over the rest of the festive period.  Time to visit friends and family.  It will be great to see my brother Andrew and my nephew Harry who are flying down from Scotland.  Then we’re off for some winter sun over the New Year in Gran Canaria with Cher, Rich and Matt.  In fact someone asked me if Georgina and Joe were going.  Without thinking I answered

“Yes the kids are coming with me.  And the boyfriend”. 

Instantly I realised that this statement required clarification “I haven’t got a boyfriend.  I meant Georgina’s boyfriend [Matt] will be coming with us”.  I still got a strange look.

So a relaxing time for all of us.  I will use the time to work out the next steps of my journey.  I have the feeling the steps are getting longer in length.

Just leaves me to say is “Merry Christmas and Happy 2014” to all of you.  Thank you for your inspirational support

Don't Stop Me Now

“I hope you have a big car for all of this” she said

“Don’t worry I’ve got a sleigh and some reindeer” I replied.

This was the conversation between the Till Lady at Sainsbury’s and me when she seen the amount of stuff I had in my shopping trolley.  I can assure you that the bill certainly lived up to it aswell.  Yes you’ve guessed it!  I have decided to join the rest of the planet and enjoy the seasonal festivities.  After much reticence on my part I have taken the plunge and thrown myself right into the deep end.  I was a bit apprehensive about Christmas due to the drubbing of my emotions and pulling of my heart strings this time last year.  Especially when being bombarded with Christmas songs from yesteryear triggering memories of happier times.  Whereas up until recently I felt much more numb about the whole period.  A bit nonplus.  Take it or leave it.  However, that’s enough of that “bah humbug”, “the holidays are coming”.

First task on the list is the Christmas shopping.  I have gone for it but in my own way ie no planning and no idea.  I may have said before that I liken wandering around shops looking for gifts for other people to trekking through a jungle with no map and no destination in mind.  I find myself either completely blind to anything on offer as there is just too much choice or all the items on the shelves are trying to lure me into buying them and take them home.  This is now sounding a bit weird.  First law in life is never be called “weird”.

On Saturday I trekked around The Mall, Cribbs Causeway.  Once I had “emptied” their shelves I had gathered sufficient momentum to take me to Cabot Circus, Bristol.  I was on a roll.  So much so I even bought presents for myself to put under the tree.  I can tell you now I will even act surprise when I open them on Christmas Day.  Is this still weird?  Finally I ended up in Sainsbury supermarket.  The lady on the till could not believe her eyes when she seen my shopping trolley overflowing with kids presents and groceries…  

A full 9 hours shopping and I’ve still got more to do!

Actually I felt relieved to have made a start.  Not only did I know that it had to be done even if only for the kids, I had to make sure that emotionally I didn’t slip back into that “dark place”.  Much more than that I did actually enjoy my trek on the wild side.  A bit of retail therapy didn’t do anyone any harm!  Lots of sales and bargains out there so you can get plenty of return for your buck.  Obviously can’t spell out here what I bought as you never know who might read this blog.

Next step is to complete the shopping and then wrap the gifts which is definitely a very technically stressful exercise.  Then for me the most painful part of Christmas.  Writing the Christmas cards.  There is still no way I can even contemplate signing a card off without including Caroline’s name.  Not sure what I’m going to do: “The Watsons” or just leave it blank.  I will always put “x x x x”. 

Now that the photographer has taken photos of the house for the Christmas Day launch the Christmas decoration and tree will be brought down from the attic and put up making the house look very beautiful.  Putting the decorations on the tree was always a special occasion for us as a family especially when the kids were small.  We always had this Disney Christmas Song video playing.  The kids would be wearing Santa hats dressing the tree.  Avery special occasion.  However, as son as the kids were put to bed  Caroline would completely re-decorate the tree in her own style!  Actually I may have to take all the Pringle tubes off the ceiling when Joe goes to bed.

So gradually getting ourselves organised and ready “but there’s ages to before Christmas Day yet”.  I feel that in the past three months I have made great steps.  Lots of pieces in my live are coming together which makes me feel stronger.  Christmas is just another test which I’ve started to enjoy.  However, still on travelling on my journey.

Country House

I have finally done it!  I have put my house on the market.  I have agreed the agency fee at a very competitive rate with Andrews Estate Agent who are very confident of obtaining the asking price.  Yes my house will be put up for sell on Christmas Day!  Apparently Christmas Day has the largest volume of internet traffic of any day in the year.

So I have committed now.  Not quite reached the point of no return but this is a major step forward.  The thought of moving feels both exciting and sad.  Exciting because hopefully I can make a new start.  But very sad as we will be leaving our home.  Caroline, the kids and me have so many great memories of the house.  I fell in love with the house the moment I viewed it.  It just had such a great feeling about it with a great garden overlooked by trees and fields. 

Over the years we have had so many parties, celebrations and barbeques with family and friends.  We were lucky enough to have a hot tub in the garden.  Being able to chill in the tub to the early hours or just submerge ourselves on Christmas Day was just so thrilling.  During quieter times sitting in the garden on a sunny summer evening sipping a cool drink just listening to the birds.  For me and Caroline the house was our sanctuary where we could relax after both having a long week.  It was also the house where our kids grew up.  All their friends live in the village and surrounding area.

Situated just outside Bristol in a lovely English village with good pubs.  Idyllic for a townie like me as Bristol was just down the road, well the M32.  My best mate Richard commented the other day “he loved coming to our home as it was one of the few places he felt at home [outside of his own home]…”   Basically our family home has always been a “happy place”. 

So now is the time.  The real fun starts this weekend.  The house has to look ship shape and Bristol fashion by the time the photographer turns up on Tuesday.  The kids are under strict orders to help me start packing away the stuff we have hoarded over the years.  I hope we get further than Joe with his pitiful effort in the summer.  The Christmas break will be used to getting ready to move.

The tidying will have to be squeezed around Christmas shopping.  I am so far behind in my Christmas shopping.  All around me Christmas is well under way.  People doing their Christmas shopping, celebrating, trees and streets decorated, lights illuminating homes.  I have not really got into the swing or mood of Christmas yet.  At the moment I feel as though I have gate crashed someone else’s party where its all kicking off and I am stood in the corner with a can of shandy bass.  I guess there is just too many things going on in my life at the moment: Georgina’s 21^st birthday; working really hard; dad having a triple heart bypass operation (he’s home now) and a general feeling of lethargy about Christmas.  Time to kick my backside into action and get with it.

So Christmas Day when you’ve eaten your turkey, Christmas pudding and slumped in the chair and your mind turns to moving to your new home then just click onto Rightmove.  I definitely will be.  I need to find somewhere to live.

My Girl

Our Home On Street View

On Saturday Georgina will have reached the ripe old age of 21.  However, nowadays being 21 isn’t as such a big deal as it was back in the day.  In the past becoming 21 was seen as the coming of age.  People used to say “21 the key to the door”.  Basically at 21 you were considered grown up enough to be a “keyholder” of your house.  Having a key has never bothered Georgina.  If you can’t get in through the front door then why not just climb through the upstairs window.

Georgina was a beautiful baby and we were, and still are, proud parents.  The day when Georgina first enter our home I can remember playing the song “My Girl” over and over.  As a baby Georgina was always happy.  Always ate her mother’s homemade concoctions.  Always on the move and up to mischief!!!!!  Some would call her an “active” child.  Others would call her… well let’s not go into that.

Dad, Mum and Baby Georgina

When Georgina was younger she loved sport.  Georgina would think nothing of going to football training every Saturday morning with 60 boys.  She played football until she broke her ankle whilst playing in the playground.  Georgina was a natural skier.  That was until a “tree jumped out” in front of her damaging her ankle and ending up in hospital.  Georgina was an outstanding swimmer competing for the Soundwell Club.  That was until her damaged ankle wouldn't allow her to kick hard enough.

Georgina turned from a “tom boy” to a girl at the age of 13.  Actually it was a bit of a “Kevin and Perry” moment.  Georgina morphed from a sweet young girl into let’s say, an adolescent teenager who made life very interesting.  Hair, clothes and makeup replaced football kits and swimming costumes.

Ibiza 1994

Georgina excelled at school, when she could be “bothered”.  Always having a very inquisitive mind and wouldn’t take anything at face value.  In fact there is no change as Georgina will always asking the imponderable questions such as “how deep is that sea?”, “are we there yet?”….  Academically Georgina has done well and is really enjoying studying psychology at Cardiff University.  Student life for Georgina has been lively as you may have seen on her Face Book page.  I try not to look too closely.

Georgina and Caroline

As I said Caroline and I are very proud of Georgina and what she has achieved.  Georgina has been absolutely terrific.  Always willing to pitch in to help me with the domestic duties of the house both in the lead up and after Caroline’s passing.  Losing her mother at such a young age cannot be easy.  Georgina reaction has been a real inspiration and has matured immensely in such a short space of time. 

We will be celebrating Georgina’s birthday at the Cuban at Bristol restaurant on Saturday with Georgina’s close family.  The real party will be a week later when her friends return from Uni.

Happy Birthday

Dad x

Ok Fred!

You know what!  The World is becoming much clearer and life is starting to shape.  The fact that the basic foundations are falling into place allows you to start building towards a brighter future:  the fact that I am adjusting to working freelance has helped immensely; the kids are really enjoying University.  Joe’s Film course is absolutely fascinating touching on history, literature and people development.  Georgina tells me how she and the other students are so enthusiastic about the course that they are actually cheering at the end of the psychology lectures.  I am clear now that I will be moving after Christmas.  There are other impetus.  There seems to be a lot of bad news around especially with regard to people’s health.  Life is too short to dilly dally about!

For the past few weeks I have spoken about being quite calm.  In some ways it has felt a little eerie as I didn’t know why.  Since Caroline’s 50^th birthday has passed I feel as though a weight has been lifted.  It’s really strange how your brain sub-conscientiously protects you and regulates your emotions.   I do feel much more comfortable with myself and happier.

However, life never allows you to be free of all concerns.  My Dad has been in hospital for six weeks and just had a triple heart bypass operation in the Bristol Heart Institute.   Dad only went in for a minor operation as a day patient but discovered that his blood pressure was through the roof.  After many tests the doctors described my dad as “a mystery and challenge”.  There was no need to carry out those tests to come up with that conclusion. I could have told them.  He’s been that all his life!  It was really strange to see him still under the affects of anaesethic and really out with the fairies.  So quiet!  For the first time in a very long, in fact ever, I wanted him to tell me one of his awful (and I mean awful) jokes.  When he has left hospital please don’t ever tell him I want to hear one of his jokes.  That moment is over!  Dad is now recovering and hopefully he will be out soon

So all these ingredients have spurred me on.  What is the point of hanging about?  I’m just determined to move on and take opportunities as they arise.  Start to plan ahead.  In many ways life is good.  I’m meeting new and interesting people almost daily.  I’m experiencing new challenges daily.  I have great friends and family.  I have great kids.  I have the memories of a beautiful and loving wife and soul mate.

If I am honest I have plenty of people to go out with but no one to share those little moments.  I have all these ideas about the future, about travelling etc but I don’t want to plough a single furrow.  I need a companion.  Ricey did a great job for three weeks when we went to Australia but long term he doesn’t quite fit the bill.  The next steps need a lot of thought.  Watch this space.

I'm Outta Time

Just like to say thank you for all the messages of support on Caroline’s 50th birthday that the kids and I received.  These messages truly uplifted the three of us.  We even competed on who actually received more messages when we were celebrating at Bottleginos on Friday.  In seriousness Georgian, Joe and I were just overwhelmed by the support.    I would also like to thank the family and friends who celebrated Caroline’s 50^th birthday with me at the Lock Keeper.  Again we remembered the good times we had with Caroline, how she affected their lives and what a great person she was is.  These people have supported me and the kids all year and again they were there for us!

Yet another busy period coming up with the build up to Christmas and Georgina’s 21st.  Whereas this time last year I was absolutely dreading this period now I am quite at easy with the whole thing.  To be honest I hadn’t even given it much thought.  Spotting my lack of focus Karen has now sat me down and has organised the Christmas thing. Being trained by one of the best Karen is the ideal person to sort me out – well my diary.  We have now sorted out my diary up until Christmas.

Georgina will be 21 on 7^th December.  I did actually know she was going to be 21 before anyone asks!  Yes my bundle of joy (Rich and Cher she has always been as good as gold – right?) will be 21.  Incredible!  I will never forget the day she was born… but that’s for another day.  All I have to do is to book the restaurant and Karen is doing everything else.  Everything else is done and I will get around to booking the restaurant some time soon!

I haven’t given much thought about Christmas yet.  In fact this is not very unusual.  Caroline would have had the presents bought and wrapped by the end of Boots double points day in February.  Got my Christmas shopping day in the diary for 28^th November – a whole month before Christmas wow!  The rest will be done on-line I’m sure!

One big change this year is that The Watsons for the first time ever will not be having Christmas Dinner at home.  Last year I felt under pressure of keeping our traditions alive.  Whereas from now on I just want to do what makes the kids and me happy.  In truth Caroline and I had chatted about eating out anyway.  Christmas dinner has now been booked at the Badminton Arms, Frampton Cotterell.  We were lucky to get in. I tried quite a number of places but there was ‘no room at the inn’.  Apparently all this sort of stuff gets booked up in September.  That’s still summer and cricket is still being played.

Still trying to get use to the fact that I am a single parent and I know that I have really only got to sort myself out but life seems to be full on at the moment.  So big thanks to Karen for keeping me on track and being patient with me!

Sweet Caroline

Yet another big milestone in the Watson journey.  On Wednesday November 13^th it will be Caroline’s 50^th birthday.  Georgina, Joe and I will do our best to celebrate and cherish Caroline’s life.  This is my tribute to our Sweet Caroline.

The World remains a poorer place without Caroline. Caroline personality and demeanour touched everyone that she met. Her kindness, her sense of adventure, her sense of humour and above all her selflessness were all overwhelming attributes that humbled everyone Caroline met. Beneath the easy going exterior lay a drive and determination to do what was right

As we all know Caroline was an absolute fantastic chef both in her career and at home.  The kids and I were overjoyed the other week when we finally found Caroline’s recipe cards.  The kids tried to re-create a couple of dishes using these recipes.  All I’m going to say is “nice try but… a hard act to follow"!  All those that worked with Caroline had a huge amount of respect for her and all remained in touch with her.  In recent years Caroline built a reputation for making the best Christmas puddings ever and struggled to keep up with the ever burgeoning demand from friends and family.

Friends of Caroline tell me how she was a “great friend” and just how much they miss her.  Caroline was remarkable.  Given some of the setbacks that Caroline suffered in her life she was never fazed and always made time for people.  Always the first to visit someone in hospital, never forgot anyone’s birthday or anniversary and always made it a special occasion.  Time and time again people tell me that Caroline would listen and never judge.   As Caroline’s husband I was rarely afforded that luxury.  Ha ha!

Caroline’s biggest life success was the manner in which she raised her children. Caroline typically applied her own behaviours and values to our children. Caroline was a very loving and caring mother and nothing was more important to her. We were a happy family (well most of the time).  The kids and I use to be in stitches when Caroline use to confuse her sayings and expressions. I can recall “kill two dogs with one spoon”, “the ODI Career story” and “park behind that yellow car…what that red one… yes!”.  These stories will mean little to many people but to the four we would be in stitches when we recollected them.  Caroline wasn’t afraid to laugh at herself.  Our family anthem was “my first, my last, my everything” by Barry White.  When we now reflect on that song it is so poignant.  As a consequence of Caroline's direction Georgina and Joseph, are people that we are extremely proud. They are absolute credit to her memory.

I will never forget and will always appreciate the support Caroline’s always gave me in everything I did.  Together we were a formidable partnership.  We were teenage sweethearts meeting whilst both at college in 1980. Caroline and I married on 19th July 1986 at Knowle Methodist Church and bought our first house in Brislington. I was, and still am, the luckiest man in the world. I had married the girl of my dreams and someone I absolutely adored.  I was truly blessed.

Caroline's loved music and dancing. Caroline was a trained dancer and very proud of her ballroom trophies she won as a child. However, Caroline loved nothing better than attending a gig loving all types of pop and rock music. She was avid follower of new music listening only to Radio 1 and was kept up to date by her children. In fact when we attended a very muddy Glastonbury in 2007 it was plain as day that Caroline had landed in heaven especially as the Killers were headlining.

She dealt with every situation with the same assured determination. Caroline was fostered by Mrs Hilda Ball (Nan) from an early age alongside Anne (Nan's daughter) and Davids family allowing Caroline to grow up with Mark and Karen as brother and sister. Caroline also spent a lot of time with her Aunty Joy and cousin Teri in her early childhood. Caroline always appreciated that she had a loving family network around her that shaped her into the person as we know today.

We shared many great moments and great holidays, too many to mention, with our dear friends Rich and Cher.  On Wednesday we will certainly looking up to the sky singing “Catch A Falling Star” as the four of us did in Barcelona on Cher’s significant birthday

So on Wednesday Caroline will reach the big five-o!  Whereas many people dread these big birthdays, 30 40 50, Caroline would have been so happy and made sure we all celebrated.  As I keep repeating nothing fazed her (well the odd spider).  There’s no doubt that we would have been off somewhere hot and exotic to celebrate.  It’s so difficult to believe Caroline won’t be with us, well in body anyway.  I firmly believe Caroline will have a hand in proceedings.  There is no way she will let her 50th pass without letting us know she is watching over us.

On Wednesday we will be meeting in the Lock Keeper to raise a toast to our beloved Caroline and all are welcome. The kids will be at Uni so we will have our own toast on Friday evening.  We will remember all the great times we had together and actually appreciate how much Caroline had an influence on each of us.  Although we are trying to get on with our lives there is no way we can let this special day pass us by. Actually there is no way Caroline will let us!

We will never forget what you gave to us all

Always thinking of you

Happy 50th my "English Rose"

Paul

Don't Look Back In Anger

Following on from last week’s blog I have still got that feeling of calmness which still sits with me in an uneasy way.  It feels as though something big is going to happen to me but I’m not sure what it is.  I’m hoping that whatever it is its going to be good.  Don’t get me wrong most things are good, moving in the right direction and I’m becoming more and more positive about the future.  It’s just an unusual feeling.  In fairness the past three years have not been great so perhaps by defensive guards are stopping me from getting excited and carried away.

Perhaps my mind is just preoccupied with the here and now.  There is so much going on:   finally getting my head around moving home which will now happen after Christmas; lots of work to do with my client which is keeping me very busy; booking activities with my new found fraternity that is the Spice club; most importantly the health and wellbeing of my parents.

Clearly there is a new spring in my step and broad smile – well most of the time.  If anyone is staring at me whilst I am in my house they will think I am bonkers: dancing and singing whilst playing my music loudly; talking to myself – and even answering back,  I haven’t quite starting sticking Pringles tubes to the ceiling yet! 

When I compare and contrast my state of mind now with this time last year there’s a vast difference. Yes there is still a sense of injustice and the thoughts of ‘what might have been’.  However, the feelings of numbness and emptiness are now replaced by self-assurance and a forward looking outlook; anger and frustration have been tempered and replaced with great memories and anecdotes.  I also got these feelings when I met the ladies from my St Peter’s Hospice for lunch.  It was so clear to me that they too were much more positive about the future and that all of them are moving on with their lives albeit in different ways following bereavement of close ones.  Well done ladies.

The second year after bereavement is much different to the first.  You have experienced those dreaded anniversaries and held onto those traditions that meant and still mean so much.  At some point though you do have to accept that something tragic has happened and life will never be the same and in fact be quite different.  I am going to embrace this change and adapt to my new found circumstances.  So we’re now shaping up to a new life and a new normality.  Looking forward to the future but never forgetting the past.  

The Watson Meal Planner wc 28th October 2013

Wc  28th October 2013

Get Well Soon Mum and Dad xx

Monday

Bacon, eggs, sausages, waffles, beans

Tuesday

Lasagne

Wednesday

Pasta Bolognese 

Thursday

Fish Cakes, French Fries & Beans

Friday

Pasta, creme fraiche, leeks, panacetta, mushrooms

Saturday

TBA

Sunday

TBA

There's A Kind Of Hush

I have a very uneasy feeling.  For the first time in a very very long time I feel very calm, self-assured and in control of my emotions. Not that long ago the smallest thought or reminder of Caroline brought back painful memories. I also had the feeling of being alone.  At one point I thought I was slipping into depression.  Now I have this feeling of calm.  It seems so strange.  So alien.

I guess there are a number of reasons that have brought me to this place.  Firstly, when I reflect on the way I looked after Caroline when she needed me most.  I could not have done anymore.  I did everything possible to make her life as comfortable as possible.  The period for me re-defined the meaning of love.  I have gained a great deal of self-confidence from this period.

In the aftermath the steps that I have taken to keep my family FED.  My kids have always been brought up on Caroline’s home cooking and meals at routine times. Therefore, I knew that learning to cook was a priority. Caroline taught me.  The kids became my harshest critics. Even so my simple cooking skills kept the routines going and meant that the household kept moving.

The fact the kids have settled into university life so well has reduced my stress levels.  For any kid moving away from home is a big step.  Georgina seems to have settled well and is really loving her new course.  As for Joe.  He’s loving his Film course and has a great set of friends.  If anyone needs cheering up then look at Joe’s photos on his Facebook page.  I didn’t think anyone could get into trouble with Pringles tubes!!

Over the past couple of weeks I have received some good feedback on the way I have been performing from my clients. Recognition is always good.  Considering I’m quite new to this freelancing way of life I’m quite pleased with myself. 

Additionally I have taken steps to move my life on.  Don’t forget my definition of “moving on”.  Moving on from the pain and the grieving not moving on from Caroline.  Started to downsize the house, started to look at new house.  I may wait until after Christmas before moving.  Too much to do.  By joining  Spice I am now broadening my social network.

So I guess for the first time in a long time things are coming together.  Still miss Caroline not being around.  Getting fed up with my own company. Large parts of my life will never be the same.  But spiritually and physically I seem to be moving on up.  I feel that I am on some sort of flight path and taking off.  The wheels have just left the runway.  I expect that there will be some turbulence along the way. It is all a bit strange.  I hope it lasts

PS  Just had my first test of my new found calm.  Just got another 3 points for speeding and am now up to 9.  Uh oh! 

Handbags and Gladrags

Imelda Markos eat your heart out.  The widow of the former

Filipino President Ferninand was renowned for her vast collection of shoes.  My sister inlaw Karen and I have just spent Sunday afternoon emptying Caroline’s clothes and shoes from the wardrobe.  I never quite knew how many pairs of shoes Caroline actually had but now I do.  Wow!  Why does a woman need so many pairs of shoes?  Shoes for almost every possible occasion at least four times over!

 

Yet another testing step along the journey to a place I don’t know where.  I finally started the exercise of downsizing so that I can make the next moves.  Karen and I decided that it would not be right to just put Caroline’s belongings into black bin bags so we used suit cases, storage containers for accessories and shopping bags which seemed quite appropriate as Caroline was a complete shopaholic – although she would deny it!

There is still a number of lovely dresses, really stylish shoes and jewellery remaining.  I have asked Caroline’s friends if they would like to look at these and keep something as a keepsake of her memory. 

There are three dresses that I will keep as they marked some special occasion.  The dress Caroline wore on my 40^th birthday which coincided with Neil and Lucy’s wedding in the Grand Canyon; the dress Caroline wore to Emma Lou’s wedding in Mexico when we thought she was recovering from cancer and a red dress because she looked gorgeous in it.  Everything else will be shipped to St Peter’s Hospice to support this wonderful charity.

Actually packing the clothes was not as daunting as I had imagined.  In fact the exercise brought back some good memories.  It was a bit different when I had to put the clothes into the car.  I know it had to be done but it still a time when a very deep breath is required.  It is so final.   The lady at the hospice shop couldn’t believe her eyes when I gave her these possessions and there is plenty more to come. 

So we're all still getting on with our lives.  The kids have settled very well at Uni.  They were both home this weekend which was nice although I soon remembered how much mess the two of them can make!!!  Anyway we stay strong as a family!!  

Spice Up Your Life

I felt as though I was signing my life away.  I felt nervous.  All I could think was “why am I doing this?”  What was I letting myself in for?  I even thought about walking out.  In fact all I was doing was joining a social club called Spice for £10 per month.  All the people at the introduction night were very pleasant, interesting and supportive.  As I said before Spice appeals to a whole cross-section of people with 650 members in the Bristol and Cardiff area.  The range of activities is quite phenomenal, nationally based and there are even options to have weekends away and range of different types of holidays like skiing, Grand Canyon rafting etc.  So what is there not to enjoy?  I guess my anxiety derives from the fact this is the first step to changing my direction.  www.spice.co.uk

So the new start is underway and actually I am quite relieved to have signed up with Spice.  It will provide the opportunity to meet new people and do things I would never have normally considered.  Additionally, I am starting to pull other plans together that affect our home.  The house has been valued and now I am mulling over when the best time to put it into the market.  Ironically the Estate Agent only had one comment.  There was one room that should be tidied before people are shown around.  Not the kid’s rooms.  No my study – it is a bit a pit!

Next weekend I will start the downsizing the amount of stuff we’ve got.  I have talked about doing this on many occasions but the prospect has been daunting and I’ve put it off.  I did ask Joe to have ago once.  I even incentivised him.  What happened?  Hardly anything got sold and I gained a small girl’s bike from Harry’s (his mate) neighbour house “because I can make some money on it”.  Not quite the idea I had in mind.

The big step will be dealing with Caroline’s clothes which are still in the wardrobes.  Its bite the bullet time.  It will definitely be emotional.   I will ask Caroline’s friends and family if they would like anything in her memory.  Anything remaining will be given to the very worthy cause St Peter’s Hospice.  I’m sure there will be some deep intakes of breath and a few tears when packing this up.

I have been inching along the road for the past 15 months.  My strides are now become greater with a bit more bounce.  I’m not out of the woods yet.  However, the journey is gathering pace and direction.  New start.  New beginning.  But never forgetting the past.

Read My Mind

“Without A Paddle” has now been going for a full year and has been so successful on so many levels.  Remarkably  “Without A Paddle” has been viewed over 15,000 times, is now running at over 1500 hits per month, nearly 2500 hits outside of the UK including a 1000 hits in the US. I don’t know anyone in the US.  I found the response quite overwhelming.  I can’t help but think “why are these people so interested?” I’m just so pleased they are.  The opportunity to write each week about the pathway the kids and I are taking on our journey has played such a big part in the healing process.  The fact that so many people want to “read my mind” is “mind blowing”.

If I’m honest the blog started as a way of informing Georgina and Joe what they were having for dinner that particular week.  Georgina and Joe thought that this was hilarious and would tell their mates that “Dad sends out a meal planner” and thought I was a bit eccentric.  As I inched along the pathway I thought there must be many Dads walking along their own pathway.  I wondered what these men were doing to survive, how were they coping, how did they feel?  When the woman of a family passes away the disruptive impact on family life and routine is immeasurable.  Many men, like me, have absolutely no idea where to start.  We find ourselves “up the creek….”.

“Without A Paddle” allows me to download some of my own grief and frustrations.  It also allows me to get my thoughts straight and out there.  It allows me to communicate to the kids, to my family and friends about what we’re up to.  It allows me to keep Caroline’s name alive and makes it easy for people to talk to the kids and me about Caroline.  By the way we love talking about Caroline.

What has happened since is quite incredible.  Interest in “Without A Paddle” has exploded beyond belief.  People tell me that they look forward to reading it every Monday; women have thanked me for the meal planner as they no longer have to think what to cook for the kids and actually helps them budget the grocery bill; people have emailed me about how they have similar feelings especially on the issue of loneliness.  The blog allows people to gain an insight into how an ordinary bloke deals with such an appalling situation.  Effectively it allows people to ‘read my mind’. It’s heartening to look back in black and white at what we have achieved and how far we have come.  Despite all this we still miss our leader.  There will always be the empty chair at dinner.  There will always be a sense of injustice.

I am healing.  I do smile.  I do laugh.  I remember the great times Caroline and I had with fondness.  I’m starting to find my mojo ie my new purpose in life.  I am planning a future. We stand tall and proud!  There’s no way we could have got this far without the incredible support of our friends and family.  “Without A Paddle” has extended the support network.  The interested created have encouraged me to keep writing and to take the readers on our journey and hopefully helping others along the way.

Thanks for being there

Paul

Ps  My anthem throughout this chapter of my life is The Killers song “Read My Mind”.  I love it!

 www.The Killers - Read My Mind   [not classroom nor office friendly]

The Watson Meal Planner wc 30th September 2013

Wc 30th September 2013

Monday

Beef burger, fries, mushrooms, tomatoes

Tuesday

Eating out with Karen at Live & Let Live

Wednesday

Potaoe and leek soup

Thursday

Home late

Friday

Guest at a dinner

Saturday

Away

Sunday

Away