Homesick

Its final.  I will not be moving home before Christmas.  I feel very disappointed by this news as my house moving saga has been ongoing all year.  Additionally it feels like an age has passed since I accepted the offer on my home.  Most of all I would love to have started 2015 settled in and ready to live my new lifestyle in the centre of Bristol.

My buyers told me a couple of weeks ago that they didn’t want to move before Christmas as they didn’t want to disrupt their two young children.  The selfish part of me still feels that the move could happened if we all got our fingers out and pushed the solicitors along.  However, as my estate agent pointed out that ‘some moves get postponed or cancelled due to people taking holiday, dental appointments, minor illnesses etc.  Kids wanting to be able to open their presents at their own home isn’t such a bad thing!’  Humbug! Ha! ha!

The reality is that if the move was to go ahead before Christmas I would probably have gone into blind panic finishing off in total meltdown.  Trying to move house whilst having Christmas to sort and being really busy working it was very unlikely that the move would have happened.

There is still so much to do in terms of sorting and packing.  Now I can use the Christmas break to complete it.  In fact I have just emptied the contents of the attic into Georgina’s vacated room.  Oh my goodness!  There is so much family treasures to sift through over the coming weeks.

So all in all the reality is that the delays are working out for the best.  Well at least I hope so.

Georgina has recently moved out to her own home.  Matt and Georgina have settled very well in their new home in Emersons Green, Bristol.  This represents a great end of year after what has been a difficult period for both of them. 

Overall I am feeling really good at the moment.  My work life has really taken off which takes away the worry about putting food on the table and all that.  I do have to address how I reach the correct balance in my life.  Not sure I want to go back to that constant workaholic state that I use find myself.  If I have learned anything from the tragic experiences of the past 4 years its that I need to live for the moment and to value those closest to me – NOW!  Carpe diem!

Christmas is now well and truly upon us.  From the moment Caroline was diagnosed back in early 2011 Christmas was something I came to dread.  At the time I didn’t know whether that we had just unknowingly experienced our last Christmas together (ie 2010) or that the next one was our last.  Fortunately we were able to have one more Christmas together and actually we had some hope.  Following Caroline’s passing the thought of her not being for future ones was just too much to bear.

 

This year I have decided that I will find it in me to enjoy Christmas.  I still miss Caroline more than words could describe and holding the feeling of resentment that she has been taken from us.  I am not sure I will ever get over the massive void.  However, as time progresses I appear to be developing various coping methods.  Mentally, I have made the adjustment that I will enjoy Christmas and life generally.  Christmas was probably Caroline’s favourite time where she spent so much energy preparing for her family.  I want to carry forward Caroline’s spirit and legacy which means so much to me.  As I have said on many occasions Caroline’s memory will live on as long as I draw breath.

The build up to Christmas has been mad.  Amazon has taken the brunt of my shopping exploits.  Online is the way forward for sure.  I have been invited to my clients Christmas parties.  The family Christmas Dinner has been booked at Browns in Clifton which is walking distance from my new place.  Pity I won’t be living there.  Never mind!   A family lunch is booked for Boxing Day at the Failand Inn.  The day after the kids and me are off on holiday with Cher and Rich for New Year in Spain.  Not too bad

The map of the road is becoming much clearer now.  I’m sure that there will be a few bumps and blind corners at some point.  However, the bus is rolling along and its nearly Christmas.  We’re now feeling good about ourselves.

Moving Too Fast

Whoosh!  There goes October! Where has the time gone?  The past 4 weeks have been a complete blur.  There is just so much going on at the moment that my head is constantly spinning.   My working life has definitely taken a turn for the good and what more I am really enjoying working with owners of medium sized businesses.  It’s so fulfilling and additionally there is a certain amount of freedom as to when and where I work.  However, I am probably enjoying working too much at the moment as I am starting to think I can save the world. I am finding it difficult to say “no” to offers of work. I need to take my red underpants off from outside my trousers and stop thinking I am some sort of Superman.

On top of my work there is the house situation.  The house sell and purchase is going through – albeit at its own pace.  I was happy with the pace until last Saturday when I re-visited the apartment I am due to purchase.  Now I just can’t wait to move in and by Christmas if possible.  The move will be such a milestone in my life for so many reasons.

The acquisition chain is relatively short.  My Seller has actually completed on their deal and is in the process of moving out.  This is great news.  My Buyer is just so excited by moving into my family home.  The Buyer revisited the house bringing 15 family and friends around to show off their new purchase.  Georgina, who at the time was playing Mario Cart on the Wii, was slightly surprised by the number of people touring “our home” but reported that all of them seemed to be really delighted by the house.  I am really pleased that a young family are so keen on “our home”.  We just hope they enjoy themselves as much as Caroline, Georgina, Joe and me did.  They can’t go wrong:  it is such a life style home for a young family, situated in a lovely village on the door step of Bristol.  The perfect family home.

My Buyer will be selling to a “first time buyer” which is excellent news.  However, the housing market is in such a state of flux due to changes in the mortgage application process, uncertainty over interest rates and the country is still recovering from the recession that nothing can be taken for granted until the ink has dried on the contracts.

The packing away of the family “stuff” has been quite therapeutic and cleansing in many ways.  Well the little that I have done has been therapeutic and cleansing.  Needless to say I have lost focus and momentum on packing recently.  The therapy will soon be overtaken with blind panic.

The apartment has two bedrooms.  A difficult equation to resolve when there is three of us.  So I had two options.  The first being “first come first served”.  Obviously this is a very dissatisfactory to all concerned.  Being very conscious of the tragic reasons as to why we are leaving our family home I didn’t want Georgina and Joe to feel as they were pushed aside.  I therefore discussed the possibility of Georgina having her own place with Matt “the boyfriend” funded in part by the “Bank of Dad” initially renting somewhere for six months with the view of acquiring a place to live after this period.  The discussion was very quick.  Before I finished the sentence Georgina had found a lovely two bedroom house in Emersons Green, Bristol and had dismantled her furniture cleared her room.  I think Georgina like that idea.

However, in fairness Georgina was tearful about leaving the family home.  It shouldn’t be forgotten that this is another big step for the two kids.  In fact as I was driving to the letting agent to assist Georgina to perform the formalities I started to wonder what Caroline would be thinking of her darling daughter leaving the nest and the rest of the “shenanigans”.  I received my answer as soon as I walked through the letting agency’s door.  I kid you not Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” started to play on the radio.  There is no way Caroline was ever going to miss out on such a move for her daughter.

So a great deal is going on.  There will be no let up between now and Christmas.  Oh and there is Christmas to sort out.  It’s quite obvious that I need to manage my time much better before I collapse into a heap.  However, as Mario Andretti the former formula one driver once said “if everything seems to be under control you’re just not going fast enough” 

Keep on Movin

“Yippee!”  Someone has accepted my offer on their house.

“F@@k!”  Someone has accepted my offer on their house.

Ever since receiving the offer on my own home just a couple of weeks ago I have been searching Central Bristol for somewhere to live.  Central Bristol is now so vibrant.  Great bars, restaurants, plenty of history, shopping etc.  Bristol is even the Green Capital of Europe 2015 (not sure how it won that but anyway).  The whole Harbourside has been transformed from the derelict dockyard that it was when I was in my teens.  There are plenty of new housing developments being erected all the time with some stunning views.  The plan was always to move into an apartment on the Bristol Harbourside overlooking the River Avon and the historical dock, especially Brunel’s SS Great Britain.  However, as the search progressed I was lured further up Park St to Clifton a very beautiful part of Bristol.

Last week I made an offer for a beautiful Georgian garden apartment in Clifton situated very close to Whiteladies Road and Park St.  As there was another offer made we both had to submit a Best and Final Offer (BAFO – many of my former colleagues will see the irony) on Friday along with a personal profile of myself.  Without A Paddle featured heavily in my proposal. 

Joe's Award Ceremony at the
Wills Memorial Building, Park St

Rather than trying to second guess the other’s BAFO I decided to submit my best price for the property.  The apartment just suited me in so many ways that I didn’t want to lose it.  My all ethos is to never die wondering what might have happened if only…  Anyhow I’m not the greatest poker player – snap is more my game - and I wasn’t going to try to be now.   My theory is that as long as you know you’ve done everything possible and someone else outbids you then so be it.  You cannot control what others might or might not do. The obvious risk is that you outbid the others by quite a long way.  I guess that’s life!

I satisfied myself that I could have done no more and waited for the call on Monday.  When I finally received the call and was told that my “offer was accepted by the seller” I just fell apart emotionally.  In fact I had to ask the agent to repeat what she had just said as I wasn’t sure what I had heard.  I could barely speak, tears were running down my face.

“Congratulations Mr Watson”

“Oh sh@t!  Sorry!  Yes thanks” was my best response at the time

I was just in total shock.  All of sudden everything became real.   Since starting our long bumpy journey over two years ago we are finally approaching the biggest junction so far.  Moving out of our family home to an apartment in Clifton is a massive turning point in our lives.  Oh my god!  I don’t know if the outpouring was just relief that the buying and selling process is coming to an end or the fact that I will be leaving our family home.  Probably the combination of both.

Clifton Suspension Bridge

Quite frankly I am really looking forward to moving.  It’s another big step to a new existence and I couldn’t be living in a better place – for now! Living in Clifton will be a totally different experience and I am determined to embrace the change.  The stand out feature of the apartment was the fact it had a nice size garden.  To me and the kids the garden allows us to have barbeques and drinks with family and friends in the same tradition as always.  That will be very reassuring to me.   In fact now that I will be living so centrally will make me one of the most popular people in Bristol.

Now I have to get a move on with the practical stuff.  Legalities, searches, packing up, arranging removal vans etc.  So will still need to take some more deep breaths over the coming weeks.  But I can see the junction approaching quickly.

Our House

Yippee!  I have accepted an offer on my house!

F@@k!  I have accepted an offer on my house!

After almost 8 months of waiting for an offer receiving only a drip feed of viewings the new estate agents, Edison Ford, seems to have done the job.  In the past week I have had 15 viewings, five offers from two families of which I have accepted one very close to my magic number.   Truly a masterclass in selling strategy and marketing.  Bish! Bash! Bosh!

However, sometimes in life you have to be careful what you wish for.  Since receiving the offer I have had a very startled look.  A rabbit in the headlights.  The enormity of what I have done, what it all means and what I have to do to move out of the house is starting to dawn on me.

Moving out of my family home is clearly going to be a very emotional one.  It is the place where Caroline and I have brought our kids up, where they have made friends and where we had a fun and loving time together.  There is no way that we would have moved out of this house.  It’s just a great house.  But I made the decision to make the move some time ago.  Although it’s going to be painful it’s for the best.

The major act now is to pack up 26 years of accumulated family “memorabilia”.  This is going to be crazy!  Downsizing from a four bedroom house with a large garden to an apartment is going to be the toughest task ever!  I am scared to go into the attic.  Christmas decorations of every festive colour possible, the stuff you put out of sight as you convince yourself that “I will deal with that next week”, the cricket kit that fitted a more sprightly figure and most of all so many photo albums.

The photo albums will be the toughest one to deal with.  The photos are so personable and depict my beautiful wife’s life.  How can I disposed of these illustrations of Caroline’s life?  The plan will be to scan the photos digitally and store them in the “cloud” somewhere.  What to do with the albums themselves?  They will probably be in storage somewhere.

Anyway the packing starts now.  Watch this space

I am so relieved that I am eventually on the road to finalising the sale of my house.  I am aware there are still pitfalls in front of me that need to be navigated but someone has made a decent offer.  I feel I am reaching the next major junction on our journey to where we do not know.  We will all be really sad to leave our house in Frampton Cotterell.  It was a real lifestyle place where we could really relax and chill.  Our own sanctuary.  Although filled with memories of so many good times it is now merely a shell.  The love and fun in many ways has now disappeared.  It is the right time to move.

I expect many of my friends will be around in the next few weeks to have their last glance around and help me downsize my drinks cabinet!

So much to contemplate!  Oh and there is the small matter of finding somewhere to live!

The Watson Meal Planner wc 8th September 2014 (5 and 2)

Monday -

Breakfast: Yoghurt

Lunch: Mushroom omelette. (2eggs)

Dinner: Stir fry (Joe cooked )

Tuesday -  Chilli con carne

Wednesday -

Breakfast: Yoghurt

Lunch: 2 Apples

Dinner: Vegetable curry

Thursday (Dad late ) - Chicken Kiev, potatoes, salad 

Friday  (Dad out)

Saturday - (Dad out)

Sunday - Sunday roast

Back to Life

Strange happenings are afoot.   I have been away on holiday for a couple of week.  One week in Puerto Banus and the second week at the other end of the rainbow in Tenby.  As always the two weeks is never enough especially as I always seem to spend the first 3 or 4 days slumped on a sunbed asleep.  So once you have returned home you quickly find yourself back into life’s routine and looking down at your stomach wondering when in the past couple of weeks you swallowed a beach ball.

The champagne frenzy of Puerto Banus and the “chips with everything” mania of Tenby have taken their toll on my bodily shape.  With this in mind I have decided to give the 5 and 2 diet a go – well my version of it.  I know quite a number of people who have been on it successfully.  Basically during the course of the week you eat normally for five days and for two non-consecutive days you eat only 600 calories (500 for women) losing around 1lb per week so they say.  Sounds great.  Only two days of starvation instead of the full 7 when on other diets.  I just needed to eat healthily for a while until my svelte like body returned.  Then completely out of the blue the kids approached me with their own plan for life

“Dad.  We’ve decided to do our own shopping”

I felt there was going to be some sort of coup d’état about to happen with a prospect of a change of leadership.  I wish!

“Okay!  Why?”  I was a bit taken aback.  Not used to them taking the initiative over domestic issues

“Well we want to eat healthily so we thought we do our shopping and you do your own”.

I thought bloody cheek but at the same I had some sympathy.  Joe must becoming fed up with Turkey Dinosaurs!

“So you want to do the little family thing on your own [a standing private joke in the Watson household]?  Well if you don’t mind I will join your gang.  Perfect!”

Somehow our plans for healthier eating knitted together nicely.  Then the real bolt of lightning hit me

“…and I will cook some of the meals” says Joe

My legs gave way!  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  Joe had been home since May and now a full week before he returns to Falmouth he is offering to do some cooking!  In fact he had done cooking for Georgina and himself when I was on holiday and it has to be said the Vegetable Curry looked quite nice.  In fact I was pleased.  We had all been on a long horrible trek over the past two years and I was starting to see real signs of them coming through it and taking the initiative.  To outsiders this might not be a big deal.  For me it was another step in the right direction for the Watsons.  It is a pity that Joe is returning to Falmouth on the 15^th September but at least I was going to get a couple of meals out of him. 

Joe will be returning to his student house in Falmouth next week.  Basically Joe will be moving house.  All his gear will be going down to Cornwall leaving his room quite empty.  The room will need cleaning thoroughly once vacated.  In fact it could be Joe’s last full week at home if the house sells.

Georgina will be back to Cardiff in a couple of weeks although she does pop home quite often even if it is only to do her washing.  Georgina told me she has been seeing Matt for two years.  It’s been great having them both around over the summer but very soon the home will become a shell again 

The kids are both sorting themselves out progressing along their own paths.  It’s now down to me to put more umph behind my own life.  The main issue is the house.  I have now engaged with a new estate agent Edison Ford based in Yate.  The normal approach of estate agents appears to be much of a commoditised one.  It’s all about a numbers game.  If you throw enough mud at a wall then something might stick.  I get that approach but you still need to present the house in a better light than everything else on the market.  Estate agents don’t always equipped to deal with something out of the ordinary.

I have engaged Edison Ford based in Yate.  Mike, the owner and MD, has devised a selling strategy.  I have been impressed by the way he took a critical look at my house, making suggestions and then providing means of correcting them.  Something I have been asking the previous agent for six months.  The plan to deal with objection again was certainly a step above any other agent.  The whole go to market strategy is much more thought through and compelling.  Obviously, we will see if it all works out.  We will soon see as the house will be back on the market next week.  http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-32224122.html. 

So still a huge amount of stuff going on in our lives.  Never a dull moment.  So kids back to school.  Summer holidays fading as a distant memory.  We all know what that means.  We are on the road to Christmas!

Champagne Supernova

"There's no room at the inn". The words you only want to hear at Christmas not after travelling "half way around the world" at one o'clock in the morning

The day had started well. For once in my life I was organised.  Boarding passes printed, hotel confirmation printed, driving license packed, passport packed, parking booked, car hire sorted, collected my euros.  All done.  Now all I had to do is wait for Joe to return from the Shambala festival, de-louse him, wash and dry a few of his clothes, complete the packing. Yes! Joe and I were off to Marbella, Spain for a week in the sunshine.

I really needed this break.  I had been working hard for the past few months coupled with the house selling I was feeling frazzled .  I also knew there was an onslaught of work to look forward to when I returned so just needed to get away and do nothing.  I was really grateful that Joe was coming the ultimate "do nothing" companion.

During the morning I had only one nagging doubt.  I had contacted the hotel to let them know we would be arriving late.  Their reply was not what I had expected which was basically "we have no booking in your name".  I contacted the booking agent straightaway.  After making the necessary calls assured me "that there was a slight oversight on behalf of the hotel, but all was resolved now.  The hotel knows you will be arriving late.  Enjoy your holiday"

Good. Bish! Bash! Bosh!  Off we go

Joe arrived home at 2:30 looking very much worse for wear.  Very tired, smelly and wet. Nonetheless he was in good spirit.  Bag sorted.  We were off to Bristol Airport to catch our plane to paradise.

All was going well!  Too well!  As anyone who knows or has ever travelled with me "things" happen - very randomly.  Leg breakages, trampling by horses, jellyfish.  That's only with Richard.  The list goes on and on: snow in Madrid, RAF escorting a flight full of Celtic fans down to Cardiff airport; being stuck in Ibiza airport due to French air traffic strikes which I also relate to the birth of Joe (not what you're thinking); baggage going missing etc etc etc.  At one time it reached such a point that work colleagues would ensure they never travelled with me.  Val, my ever suffering PA, would just be waiting for the phone call from me which always started "you never guess whats happened this time....?"

Any way that was then this is now.  Start of a new era.  Flights taken off on time, landed in time, bags have been collected, car hire sorted, navigated from Malaga Airport to Apartmentos Princesa Playa.  What could go wrong? Nothing I thought as I confidently strode into the hotel lobby.

I bounded up to the reception to be greeted by the overnight porter.

"Ola [always good to greet the natives in their language].  I'm Paul Watson and I would like to check in"
My beaming smile soon disappeared.
"Sorry sir, we are fully booked"
" That maybe so.  But I have my confirmation to say I have a room"

The porters next statement was truly remarkable.  He pulled out a confirmation with my name on it, showing the account was fully paid but still he told me
"We are full!  Sorry! Come back tomorrow and we will sort it"
Volcano Watson erupted.  You may have heard it

During the next 20 minutes I had just ranted at the porter and the Reservations Manager.  Their only response was " I had been lied to by the agent and Expedia". Not that they had cocked up, had actually been paid for my stay but had overbooked. My protestations came to nothing

All I could keep thinking is where were Joe and I going to sleep if we couldn't get into this hotel? The options were the Ibiza Seat hire car, find hotel or in a stable in a manger.  Luckily, if there was any luck to be had, we found a hotel just around the corner.  It wasn't the best but hey what choice did we have. Although we had to leave the room by 12 noon

Whilst Joe was catching up on his sleep I contacted the agent first thing in the morning letting rip.  Panic ensued.  They would get back to me.  To cut what seemed a very long morning story short we finally got a call at 1pm that we were booked in the Melia Banus Hotel, Puerto Banus.  Home to the rich and famous plus Joe and I for a week.

The hotel were made aware of our nightmare and we were upgraded.  Private reception, private snack and drinking area, lovely room.  Basically it means we have drunk as much champagne as possible for diddly squat. Joe has eaten so much smoked salmon I'm sure he will be trying to swim upstream in the nearest river very soon.  The agent also sent us a little gift which in itself was bizarre:  rice pudding with cinnamon, three prunes and bottle of water presented on a nice wooden tray.  Bizarre.  I'm sure it must mean something in the region.  Additionally there was an apologetic note and the promise to reimburse me for our troubles.

Now Joe and I are enjoying the holiday. Having fun not by doing very much.  Just what we ordered.  Not even going think about the journey home!

The Watson Meal Planner wc 11th August 2014

Monday - Pasta and Chorizo Pasta and chorizo recipe

Tuesday - Fish fingers, chips and beans 

Wednesday (Dad out) - Singapore noodles, chicken, oriental vegetables and black bean sauce
Thursday - gammon steak, new potatoes, pineapple, sweet corn and peas
Friday - lemon sole
Saturday -  TBA
Sunday - Sunday lunch

Changes

Changes are on the way.  I have spent too long waiting for things to happen and not going with my own instinct.  My overall aim is to find some sort of happiness.  I know that this is going to be a different flavour to that I had with Caroline and will not be as intense.  However, some of the changes are not panning out as I had hoped. 

There are going to be a few bumps on the way.  I’m reaching a bitter-sweet point, like many parents, where the “little bundles of joy” are exiting their teens and are becoming more and more independent.  Georgina and Joe are reaching that point.

The month long back packing adventure in Thailand has boosted Georgina self-confidence tremendously.  When I look back only as recently as six months ago it’s as though I’m almost looking at two different people.  So organised, so driven not wanting to sit still for a second and so helpful.  Some would say “a miracle” when compared to Georgina early teenage years.

 

Whereas, with Joe its different.  I’m convinced I don’t see the real Joe.  He saves the real self for when he is with his friends.  However, I have seen glimmers of the maturing Joe.  I will treasure the moment seeing Joe looking so proud and pleased of himself when he moved into his student digs down in Falmouth.  Lately, I’m starting to see his determined character coming through and he is developing his own views.  Definitely maturing although he still needs to get off his backside.  Joe knows where he’s going.  One day he will let the rest of us know. 

So they’re both growing up.  Both of them will be back to Uni at the end of September to start their second year.  For me it’s more of a psychological and emotional move.  One way or another they’re not around much anyway as they’re with their friends.  It’s the way it should be.  However, I had that twist in my stomach that told me that this time it will be different.  Both of them will be making their own decisions and won’t want any of my insight, if they ever did.  I’m reaching a crossroad.  Whatever happened this was always going to be a time of change that would have been building over a number of years.  I remember years ago every time Caroline watched Mamma Mia she would cry her eyes out when the song "slipping through my fingers" was sang by Meryl Streep as it brought on thoughts of when the kids would be flying the nest.  However, Caroline and I would also talk about the new found freedom “when the kids have grown up”. I don’t suppose we were that different to many other families.

 

Recently I have taken some decisions which will hopefully breathe new energy into me and set me up for the future.  I needed to change direction in some aspects of my life that I thought were not taking me in the right direction.  A big one concerns my role with FD Centre.  I have decided to resign as their Regional Director but continue with them in a different capacity which allow me to do perform a wider variety of work.  I am grateful to them for taking a chance on me at a very difficult time and together we have had some successes.

I have now changed my estate agent in order to get more umphhh behind the selling my house.  There is no reason why my house hasn’t sold.  It’s a fantastic family house ideally set.  There’s no way I  would ever have chosen to move if circumstances were different.  I have decided to engage with the estate agent Edison Ford who have demonstrated to me a much more proactive approach than many other estate agents.  The approach is less down to chance.  Well!  We will see.

There is so much going on at the moment.  My biggest relief is that the kids are on a clear path and doing so well.  No matter what happens I will be around for them and there’s no doubt their mother will be guiding them.  The kids will still be around.  I guess that the Bank of Dad will have to remain open, that they will remain on the payroll for a couple of years and Chez Watson will require spare rooms.

Watson Meal Planner wc 20th July 2014

Joe outside his student house in Falmouth

Monday - Pasta bolognese

Tuesday - Fajitas

Wednesday - Yellowfin tuna, lime and coriander fishcakes, salad 
Thursday (Dad late ) - Turkey drummers,
Friday - Scotland 
Saturday - Scotland 
Sunday - Scotland

Reach for the Stars

Today is another day.  My thoughts now turn to the future.  My journey is starting to become clearer as the fog which has clouded my view for the past three years is starting to lift.  I have a better feel about the direction of travel.  I still got a lot of energy and there’s a life to be lived.  In a strange way the emotions of last week helped bring things into perspective.

What a week!  Monday was the second anniversary of Caroline’s passing and Saturday our 28^th Wedding Anniversary.  It was by far the toughest week over the past two weeks.  At times I felt totally drained.  The support I received during the week has been completely overwhelming and is great to know so many people are wishing me and the kids well.  Also good to know that memories of Caroline are still firmly in your minds.

However, I needed to go through last week.  I have been pushing myself hard over the past year.  Trying to plough a furrow in terms of work, trying to find new relationships and to sell my house.  Fronting up on so many occasions takes a lot of energy and can become wearing when it doesn’t always come off.  I felt the need to push hard by the need to put food on the table – I had to earn some money.  Some of it was about the need to prove to myself I could do it – whatever “it” is.  There was part of me felt that everything had to be sorted by the time I was 50.   Absolutely nuts!  Two months past 50 I feel great, I have great friends and family plus the Saga book hasn’t tuned up yet.  Actually someone told me the other day that at 50 you don’t feel much different just you become less inhibited.  Oh dear!  Could be interesting.

My head has been full with stuff over the past three years with all kind of emotional stuff it was hard to make decisions and to deal with even the most simple of activities.  Although not fully free of the emotional stuff the mist is lifting and I now feel much more able to make decisions.  I also feel much more at ease with myself.  I’m comfortable in my own skin. 

I now find myself in a very bizarre position.  No-one would want to have lost someone close to them.  It is truly the worse experience anyone could ever go through.  However, I can only take the next step from where I stand.  I have a chance to try new things, meet new people, explore new places etc.  So I have decided to give myself some space, be the master of my own destiny and see where I end up. I will continue working for myself although in a slightly different direction which is very exciting.  I’m sure everything will fall into place over the next year.  If it doesn’t then I’m sure I will have learned a lot.  In fact the stars are on my side.

Apparently Jupiter moves into Aries sunny sector amping up my starpower—and my firepower.  Forget fifteen minutes of fame. Apparently, I have thirteen months of it! For some this could mean moving to a metropolis across the world, or traveling more often to showcase your talents.  It must be true!  What can go wrong?  Showtime!

On a more earthly note the kids and I have had a chat about the next few months.  Joe is 19 in a couple of weeks so we've worked out how we’re going to celebrate.  A combination of Yo Sushi and Alton Towers – not on the same day.  Even discussed our options around Xmas and New Year.  How organised am I?  Caroline wold be absolutely astonished.  A little bit more research to be done.  We may even squeeze a week away somewhere hot in the next few weeks.

Before all of this I will be going somewhere where it’s not renowned for warmth. Especially if you’re English. Scotland!    Really looking forward to seeing my brother Andrew and nephew Harry up in Aberdeen.

So watch this space.  Lots to look forward over the coming weeks, months, even the next 13 months.  

One Day I Will Fly Away

The world remains a poorer place.  Today, the 14^th July, is the second anniversary of my beautiful wife Caroline’s passing.  Some people tell me it will get easier with time.  Those people cannot have lost anyone who is close to them.

There is hardly a moment that goes by when I don’t think of Caroline.  Caroline was truly my soul mate and one of the best people anyone could have met.  Beautiful, caring, fun loving, un-complicated, honest, thoughtful, a great mother, the perfect wife, I could go on and on.  I was just the lucky man who married her.  The girl of my dreams. 

I have still not reached that state of mind where I can celebrate her life.  For me I still feel resentful that Caroline has been taken from me, us, too soon.  At the prime of her life.  The fact that her life was curtailed in such a cruel and horrible manner has scarred me emotionally.  Watching someone I love so much deteriorate in front of my very eyes and feeling so helpless was and is so painful.  I would have done anything to stop Caroline’s demise.  I did everything I could to make Caroline’s life as comfortable as possible in her final days.  The whole episode in our lives as re-defined “love”.

I still remember Caroline’s final day vividly.  Caroline had been so courageous and brave throughout her battle with cancer.  I still remember Caroline whispering her final words of “I love you” and then a few short hours later she passed away with a tear in her eye.  The moment is still very raw.

Equally, I can remember the time that we first met. I was 16, Caroline had just turned 17.  I’m sure we are the only couple that met sat on the floor in a nightclub, Caroline directly behind me, swaying side to side and forward and back to  the song “Oops upside your head” by The Gap Band.  I remember telling Caroline an awful joke which had the punch line “Its ok I will follow behind on my Honda”, a kiss and the rest is history.

Our life together was so much fun.  We were two kids who grew up together.  I look back at the all the good times we had together with our friends and what we achieved together.  Our lasting legacy are the two great children both of whom are inspired by their mother.

I often think what our life would be like now especially with my work life having much more flexibility.  Caroline would be in her element.  Believe me the local economies of Cardiff and Cheltenham would definitely have prospered!  We had already sketched out what we were going to do, where we were going to go now that we were both past 50. We were just hard working people who had brought up their children and just wanted to enjoy the fruits of our labour.  Now that has been taken away from both of us.  Now my life has been disrupted by the affects of cancer.  It feels that everything I do now is has a results of that dreadful disease. 

So what next?  If I give up then cancer has won.  From the time Caroline was diagnosed she never gave up hope and never bowed to cancer.  I have never seen anyone so determined to fight the onslaught of this dreadful disease as Caroline. The way she fought and kept going should be an inspiration to all of us.  In any case Caroline wouldn’t want me to or anybody else to dwell on the past.

I will spend the 14^th July quietly reflecting on my time with Caroline, looking through a few the photographs and taking flowers to her headstone.  On July 15^th I will pick myself up again, dust myself down and put that first foot forward.

Our song that always lived with us both from that very first night is not the wacky Gap Band tune but the beautiful "One Day I Will Fly Away" by Randy Crawford.

Now that you’ve read this far I will ask all of you to give your partner an extra hug, the kids a cuddle and to raise a glass in memory of Caroline, my English Rose.

A Woman's Touch

Georgina has spread her wings and is in Thailand for a month with four “girl friends.   I’m trying to keep up with Georgina though Facebook and they all appear to be having a great time.  This is despite the fact that Georgina’s credit cards and phone were stolen within 4 hours of landing in Bangkok.  There’s quite a number of people reading this now saying “she’s just like her father.  Something always used to happen to him when he travelled”.

I spent most of Sunday afternoon cancelling her bank cards and phone sim and then worrying how Georgina was going to access her money whilst in Thailand.  Thankfully, all is sorted.  Well for now!  Fingers crossed!

Its events like these when I realise that I am only a man and will never have that mother’s intuition and eye for detail.  I leave too much to chance and good fortune.  My perspective on life is “lets go for it!” So when my daughter is about to fly half around the world to Thailand; visiting Bangkok a metropolitan city of over 14 million; a country that has had a curfew imposed on it by a military junta; and for good measure she trekking through a jungle, all I can think of is “Go for it girl!  You will have a great time!”

Don’t get me wrong.  I ensured Georgina had her injections, that I researched the Foreign and Commonwealth Office web page to make sure it was “relatively” safe, arranged travelled insurance.  I even photocopied Georgina’s passport.  It’s all the other practical and soft stuff that I haven’t thought about

There’s no doubt Caroline would have packed a small feast for Georgina to take.  As anyone who has ever been in the company of the Watsons will tell you how important food is to us.  Caroline would have made sure that insect repellent was packed; copy of all the vital documents filed safely; bought forward currency on https://www.iceplc.com/ .   There is no doubt that there would have been a girlie shopping trip to make sure Georgina was kitted out.  None of this ever really entered my mind.

Life seems to be flashing by at a considerable pace and I have not really adapted nor got myself that organised.  Everything I do seems to be reactive and spur of the moment.  It’s not just Georgina’s travel.  It’s all that stuff that really matters.  Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, making sure the kids are sorted etc.  I do my bit and the kids are of an age now when they can generally look after themselves.

I try to do the domestic duties.  Before I get a pile of abuse I know that the domestic duties should be shared between the partners.  In our case Caroline did the domestic stuff and I worked.  It’s just the way we parcelled it up between us.  Over the past two years I have almost become a modern day Freddie Mercury caricatures from the “I want to break free” video by Queen.  I make sure the house is clean, the clothes are washed and the dirty dishes are not piled up.  Again I do it because it needs doing not necessarily to make the house look a home.  Our home is definitely missing that “woman’s touch”.  I am convinced that this is one of the reasons my house has not been sold yet.  It’s a great house but it’s not at that show home quality.  That attention to detail.  Cushion arrangements, lampshades, flowers, throws for beds, all that girlie stuff!

Not having that eye for detail bothers me and frustrates me.  It’s just not in my makeup.  The frustration has intensified since Caroline’s passing as I don’t deal with setbacks as well as I used to.  I am ok when life is progressing but if something takes be backwards then my mood is down for a while.  I am able to pick myself back up but it’s a strange situation for me.  I have always prided myself on being quite resilient and able to adapt quickly to anything chucked at me.  Guess that’s one of the ingredients of why we were so good together.  Now there’s still a huge imbalance.

I have tried to adapt but I have to rely on others.  Luckily I have good people around me who can straighten my mind out.  I also have my own equivalent to mumsnet http://www.mumsnet.com/ .  I have had plenty of help with the “woman’s stuff” over the past couple of years.  Emotional support for the kids and for me; careers advice for the kids; shopping for the kids; fashion advice for me; ovens and fridges cleaned etc.  So I can’t complain about the support.

I need to re-prioritise parts of my life.  Try to focus on some big events that are staring me in the face.  Selling my house, helping Joe get a summer job and settle him into his student accommodation.  It is easy to think “thankfully Georgina is more self-sufficient so she’s ok” but even Georgina needs a big cuddle especially when she returns home.

As I have said before this journey is a tough one.  If anyone has a map and can plot the course let me know.