The Butterfly Collector

“She said she was looking for her knight in shining white armour.  Blimey how disappointed is she going to be when she sees me”.

I’m sat in a coffee shop somewhere in South West England.  This has got to be one of the most surreal experiences of my life.  I’m sat in Costa Coffee waiting for a date.

How did I ever end up here?  What was I thinking of?  This is a nightmare?  What am I going to say?  What’s my first line?  Why am I even doing this?  Oh shit here she comes!  Here goes!

“Hi I’m Sue [that’s not her name just protecting the innocent]”

“Hi, I’m Paul…..”                    

Then off we chatted over coffee.  Chatting about all kinds of stuff: our kids, future plans, how we ended up on online dating, our experiences on match.com including the horror stories, gentle banter etc.  Surreal but enjoyable.  Very often she would say

“You look like your photos”

At this point I don’t know who they expected or indeed hoped for.  George Clooney perhaps!

“And you’re still here” I respond.  Always gets a little chuckle that one!

I have been having these little rendezvous all over the West of England.  Sharing a coffee.  Or wine.  Or beer.  Or lunch.  Or dinner.  Meeting some very pleasant and interesting women.  Having a laugh and enjoying myself.

The whole experience has lifted my spirits especially after how I was feeling that evening in Exeter Services.  To be honest its just good just to be out and about. Away from just staring at four walls.   Surprisingly, after the first couple of times I felt quite at ease with sitting in a coffee shop talking to complete strangers about life and the universe.  I guess I should be.  I do that for a job!  What’s the worst thing that can happen?  They walk out on you!  I have had a lot worse than that in my life so no worry there.  What generally happens is I have had an afternoon with a nice person, a bit of a laugh, in a nice place.  And they haven’t walked out. 

That's what I call an awkward first date

Like most blokes I don’t know how this dating thing works.  Women deny they are any rules but it’s all in their heads.  You have to remember that when I started “courting” Caroline we had only just passed the era where the man had to take the girl’s mother a box of chocolates, the dad wanted to know that your intentions were purely honourable and you had to be home by 10.  Nowadays apparently the first meeting is just that.  A meeting.  It’s not a date until you meet again.  That’s the biggest decision after meeting someone:  do you meet up for a second meeting i.e. first date.  What’s all that about?  It’s a minefield.  To my mind it would be much better if online dating websites were structured like “Tripadvisor”!  It would make life a lot easier.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not exactly impulsive or romantic in terms of “our eyes met across a crowded room”.   The whole relationship building is much slower.  That’s just as well as most people on these sites have complex background.  Plus we’re older and looking for a bit more from life.  What is clearly apparent it’s definitely the way forward and that lots and lots of people use it.  There are all kinds of flavour of sites that suit everyone taste.  For me it’s just a gentle re-introduction into the world and the start of my next chapter.

The Wheels on the Bus…

Since taking the right angle turn the ‘bus of life’ has been accelerating at pace.  In fact so much so I have parked up just to take stock of where we are and where we’re going. Theres a need to re-fuel and to put some air into the tyres.  In true Paul Watson fashion I have set off at a 100 mph flat out trying to solve all my issues in one go.  I so want 2014 to be the year of change.  I just don’t want to hang around anymore.  As I have said on many occasions the past three years have been so tragic.  I now want to re-build some foundations in my own life.  By the end of the year I fully expect to have moved home, changed my car, to be flowing in my work, kids to be in their second year of Uni, solved world hunger etc etc.  Then there’s possibly a new relationship.  Well we will see!  Most of all I want to be smiling and happy with my friends and family.

Moving at this pace trying to shape my future however as consequences.  And not always good.  For a start I am trying to do so much that I keep running out of time to even complete the simplest of tasks like opening the post.  Crazy!  I become very frustrated and confused.  What makes it worse is that I have no one alongside me to share the ideas with.  Even just to listen to me and nodding in the right places.  One of the reasons Caroline and I were so good together is that we could share ideas together and Caroline was always straight with me.  During our time I got the full range of answers from “yes go for it” to “you got to be joking” to “you are so stupid”.   Luckily I have had a lot of people around only too willing to provide advice and opinions when I have asked for it.   But I do miss that unspoken acceptance and re-assurance that you get when you’re in a good relationship.

I also want to make sure that all those close to me and the children are on the journey.  It’s great that I have so many new passengers on my bus all sending me messages of encouragement.  Its very overwhelming.  However, the journey can only made with those who have supported me and the kids especially over the past three years.  Emotionally you don’t want anyone wanting to get off the bus or feel they’ve been left behind.   I want everyone on the journey…

Problem with this journey there isn’t a map.  SatNav is knackered!   There is no end destination.  We don’t even know where the ups and downs are going to be.  All we know that there are going to be plenty bumps in the road.  Actually on parts of the journey there isn’t even a road built yet.

Guess I’m just in a hurry to get to the top of this hill.  Once at the top I just want to look out for miles in front of me and get a view of where I could go.  And always having the ability to look behind me and to fondly gaze into the past. Reflect! Remember! Reminisce!  But I have made my mind up.  The bus is going forward.  There is no going backwards.  So we have all stretched our legs now and its time to make ourselves comfortable for the next stage of the journey.  Make sure you all fasten your seatbelts.

“The wheels on the bus go round and round…”

Square One

Well here goes.  Feels as though I have reached first base.  Now for the next steps.  Unchartered territory.  How did I end up here?

Just a couple of months ago I had spent a lovely day with Joe in Falmouth.  I had “popped down” to Falmouth (if 180 miles can ever be considered “popped down”) to make sure Joe had settled into his Uni and that he was okay in himself.  If I am honest I was missing the kids being about the home so it was a bit therapy for me too.  Well I need not have worried.  Everything appeared to be great for him.  Joe was loving the course and his flatmates were all so friendly.  We had lunch on Falmouth harbour and stocked up on food supplies.

It was the return drive home that I started to think about me.  Georgina and Joe were both doing well and were finding their own karma.  Whereas, what and where was I going to do?  I didn’t really have any plan and the loneliness was getting me down.  Here I was sat in Exeter Service Station sipping my cappuccino with another 90 miles to go thinking

“This is crap! It’s 8 o’clock on a Saturday night.   All I’ve got to look forward to is another hour and half drive home to a dark and lonely house.  This isn’t what life is all about”

The previous week had been particularly tough.  I hadn’t seen many people and now Joe was back at University I started to feel my mind was slipping away into depression.

“No one would expect me to be depressed.  No one!  I got to sort this out”

“Sod it!  I am going to sign up on Match.com!”

That was it.  Decision made. 

Now for those who don’t know match.com is an online dating website.  Signing up to an online dating site was certainly going to be a new experience by a long way.  Never in a million year did I ever think I would be signing up to an online dating site.  Whatever happened to “our eyes met across a crowded room” stuff.  This was going to be one of the strangest things I have ever done.  In my mind there had always been a stigma attached to dating services.  And anyway you never know if you’re going to meet a complete “fruit loop”.  However, if you can’t beat them then join them!

I followed the online instructions which asked lots of questions about my personal life, completed the profile and uploaded some photos.  Pushed the submit button.  And waited.  What have I let myself into?

Wow!  All of a sudden all these smiling lovely faces appeared on my laptop screen.  Oh my god.  Well I was like a kid in a sweetshop.  Looking at photos, reading profiles trying to understand how the online site worked.  It was certainly different to what I had imagined.

It is a bit strange and you feel a bit brutal.  All these profiles appear on your screen and basically you add to your favourites the ones you like and delete the ones you don’t.   So you find yourself at your laptop: like, like, delete, delete, delete, like, like delete….  You get the idea.  You then sit back and look at the screen where there are 10 photos of lovely women looking at you from the screen.  You can’t help thinking for a moment

“Hmm!  This is how the world should look” 

How the world should look!

It is almost a form of virtual ethnic cleansing!

Now it’s not ideal. I can’t imagine any Mills and Boon novel was ever about two people whose “eyes met across a laptop”.  Not the most romantic way of meeting someone.  I don’t care.  I’m not looking for romance.  I am just want to dip my toe back into the world and feel human again.  My expectations on future relationships are clear in my mind. As I have said before I’m looking for companionship.  And anyway what was the worse that was going to happen?  I make some new friends.

At 49 where do you go to meet people?  As I said there are a lot of lonely people out there so this can only help them.  And me!  In fact I didn’t realise how many of my friends had used or were using online dating.   So off on a new pathway.  Would I meet my match?

Que Sera Sera

Caroline and me (18 years old)

I am about to take the biggest and hardest step on my journey.  I would like to find a new companion!

You cannot believe how difficult a decision this step has been.  There are so many factors and feelings to consider especially those of Georgina and Joes.  For so long I have felt guilty and sad about enjoying myself because of the injustice that had happened to Caroline.  I have wrestled with this conundrum for some time.  However, the feeling of spending large parts of the past 18 months alone and the overriding urge to just to be happy have led me to take the plunge. There was never going to be a good time to take this step

No one could ever question my love for Caroline.  Caroline will always be a huge part of my life. I still feel as though I am the guardian of her memory and all that was good about her. For as long as I have breath Caroline will never be forgotten.  But I got to take the next big step for my own sanity.

Simon, Pete, me and Caroline

Now lets set some expectations.  It’s a long time since I had to even think about this sort of thing.  In fact I was only 16 when I met Caroline when a student and had an early morning job as a paper boy.  Life was a lot less complicated and carefree back then.  In April I am 50.  In 15 years time I am eligible for a bus pass.  In 20 years I might not even remember my name!

Prospective companions will have all kinds of issues and responsibilities:  kids, ex-partners, dogs, horses, houses, circle of friends, financial issues etc etc.  Therefore engaging with the “Venus” half of the population is not going to be straightforward.

I need to make sure that when I do meet someone for the first time I don’t make it sound like an interview:

“Tell me about you last job”

“How do you respond to change?”

“Have you got any references?”

Rich, Caroline and me

“What can you do for my organisation”

“You will be going through an assessment centre including psychometric testing”

“I would like you to prepare a 15 minute presentation on “why you are the right person for the job” and afterwards there will be a panel interview”

Just can’t see it working somehow.

Then there’s where does a 50 year old go to meet people of a similar age?  I have been out a few times with mates and stuff.  It’s so scary.  Whatever happens I won’t be going to “Reflex” in Bristol. 

I have no expectations nor idea of what’s going to happen.  I’m fairly chilled about it all really and in no rush to make any lasting relationships.  Just want to meet some new people and enjoy myself. What’s the worst thing that can happen?  I make some new friends.

Me

In many ways I am a very lucky person.  I have lots of people to go out with.  But now no one to do the simple things in life with like go to the pub, watch a band on a Wednesday night, moan about the weather, plan future adventures etc.  You all know who my first second, third … choice would be.  Tragically that’s not possible.  Here goes!  

Here I Go Again!

The year is underway.  Apparently we have already passed the officially most depressing day of the year so the rest of the year can only be up.  Is that how it works?

January is the time of the year when people start planning the next 12 months.  Booking their holidays; setting goals on health and fitness; planning major upgrades to their homes; buying a lovely house in Frampton Cotterell (come on it’s a great house).

I am no different.  I have spent January scheduling stuff to do.  It feels I have some stepping stones ton which to navigate the year.  The first half of the year is filling up nicely: 

February 15^th          -           Doreen Doreen, The Fiddlers Club, Bristol

March 28^th to 30^th  -            Leinster v Munster, Dublin

April 4^th                  -           The Zu Zu Man, The Steam Crane, Bristol

April 12^th                -           Doreen Doreen, The Fiddlers Club, Bristol

April 14^th                -           My 50^th

4^th May                   -           Wye Valley Bike Ride

11^th May                 -           Bristol 10k Bristol 10k 2014

TBA                        -           Tour De France, Yorkshire

October 4^th             -           Lee Mack, Bristol Colston Hall

Life feels good at the moment.  Lots to look forward to in 2014.  I don’t feel quite so alone and isolated anymore.  However, I am looking for a better quality of life in terms of being around people much more.  Enough said for the moment.  Just going to keep taking one step at a time in a forward direction. 

I Gotta Feeling

Watsons in Gran Canaria

15^th January 2014 will always be a date etched in my mind.   A turning point.  I will always reflect upon this date as the first day in three years that I have felt a real inner calm.  Nothing spectacular happened.  Good day at work, a good chat to Matt on the phone and not a lot more.  It just dawned on me driving home how good I felt about myself.  I felt I was in the “flow”.  Life was moving on and my actions felt natural.  The fact that the kids seemed to be settled in what they’re doing is a huge lift.  Not only did the Watsons get through Christmas and New Year, we actually enjoyed it!   Especially the week we had in Gran Canaria in the sunshine.  I now feel ready for anything and know the direction I want to move in.  I have got a good feeling about 2014.

I have spent a long time taking stock of our situation, laying foundations for our future and reflecting on what we had.  Now its time to live our lives and take life back into our own hands.  Its time to make things happen for us and even for those around us.

The last photo of Caroline before illness struck:  Dec 2010

With the kids returning to Uni I was expecting a quiet time at home to contemplate my next move.  Well that was short lived.  Within a week of going to Falmouth Joe has returned home for the next three weeks.  The vagaries of University life I’m told!  Whereas Georgina has returned to Cardiff for a week and has to take exams.  However, once Georgina has taken the exams then she’s home for three weeks.  Not bad is it!  Actually I’m really pleased they are home.  Love that noise around the house and Georgina telling me to turn my music down.

Mexico Nov 2011

For too long now I have been ploughing a lone furrow both in my personal and work lives.  Now is the time for change.  I have got my mojo back and am feeling really positive about the future.  I have unshackled the feelings of guilt and sorrow that burdened me for the past 18 months.  I take so much strength out of surviving such a traumatic time; how I cared and could do no more for Caroline in her final months; how I have responded to the challenges put before me.  I’m feeling good about myself.  Most of all I will always have the great memories of my life with the best person anyone could have met.  I was just the lucky one who had the chance to marry Caroline and share her life.  I know what Caroline wants me to do.  Now I’m going to do it.

There’s so much to do and see.  However, I cannot do it on my own.  Life will change.  I need to re-write the next chapter of the book of life.  One thing for sure the direction of my journey is about to take a right angle turn.  Here we go!

Difficulties are just things to overcome.  Ernest Shackleton

Seven Seas

Joe and Me Gran Canaria New Years Eve 2013

What a year!  2013 has been a real epic journey with so many ups and downs.   Coming to terms with my family’s tragic loss has been so tumultuous.  I’m just pleased that we are all still here to tell the tale.  There is no doubt though that at the end of 2013 the kids and I are stronger.  We are able to tell the funny stories and talk about the great times that we all enjoyed with Caroline.   That’s a great sign for us.

Having entered a world where I had lost the two pillars of my life, Caroline and my career, setting myself objectives has been very important.  It enables me to reflect on the progress that we have made.  Psychologically the objectives provides structure and goals to achieve.  So how did I do in 2013:

Family

1      Help Joe through his A levels

Well Joe scraped into Uni with his final grades.  Not sure how I influenced him.  Just became a cheerleader in the end.  At the end of the day the grades were good enough and he was outstanding at his interview.  So well done joe.

2      Help Joe decide what he wants to do next whether it is University or something else

I ferried Joe around to various Universities however he was always adamant which course he wanted to study and where:  Film at Falmouth

3      Help Georgina through her first year of University

Georgina has settled back into Cardiff University excellently after changing her course to Pyschology.  Georgina has really matured in 2013 and has been a huge help to me.

Me

4      Watch British Lions in Australia.  Anyone else interested? 

Georgina and Matt "the boyfriend"

The trip to Australia to watch the British Lions win the series was the highlight of the year.  Travelling around Australia was just awe inspiring.  Thanks to Ricey for travelling with me.

5      Three bike rides: 1) across the Outer Hebrides with my brother Andrew; 2) memorial ride from Cardiff to Bristol; 3) one other big ride e.g. London to Paris – maybe!

The memorial ride from Cardiff to Bristol in April by 10 of us raised over £600 for St Peters Hospice.  Despite the appalling weather we were very well supported.  Thanks to all that rode and turned out.

Riding around the Outer Hebrides (236 miles) in August was a truly memorable experience especially in such a beautiful part of the world.  Thanks to my brother Andrew for organising and for nephew Harry for being the best bike rider in Scotland!

Logistically could only manage a third ride  Bristol – Gloucester round trip with Neil. Still 80 miles in a day.

6      Maintain my weight at 13 stone

Failed on this front. Stabilised around 14 stone. Not too bad.  Still 2 stone lighter than in January 2012

7      Learn to cook properly

Didn’t really enhance my skills as far as I hoped.  However, still able to knock up a meal and have gained more confident in the kitchen

Work

8      Work out what to do next regarding my career

Started to build foundations in my working environment and have enjoyed large elements of my working life.  Freelancing and working with small and medium enterprises has been interesting and very fulfilling.  Have to ensure payback in 2014 for the investment of time in 2013.  [I can hear all my former colleagues groaning – “he’s not changed a bit – payback, payback, payback!”]

So that’s last year.  There is much to be happy about and we have made progress.  Caroline would be very proud of us.  We now need to navigate 2014. 

2014 Objectives

Family

1. Continue to support Joe in his studies and ensure he gets settled in the student flat for next year 

2. Continue to support Georgina in her studies. Georgina is very much independent these days so less of a challenge

Me

3. Move house. My house is now on the market so just need to sell it. Need to find a house and buy it. Easy!!!

4. Re-address work – life balance.  Towards the end of year I found myself working long hours and not having much of a social life.

5. Celebrate my 50th birthday (gulp).  Being 50 was going to be a challenging and significant milestone if life had been as it was.

6. Now that I am soon to be 50 I need to start looking after myself more responsibly especially nutritionally.  The phrase “closing the stable door after the horse has bolted” comes to mind.

7.  Raise £500 for St Peters Hospice by organising another bike ride and running the Bristol 10k

Work

8.  Freelancing has to payback in 2014.

So another eventful year.  There’s no doubt that whatever challenges we are faced that we will have the resolve to overcome them.

Seven Seas - Echo and the Bunnymen  (not for classroom or offices)